Men, what are you looking for in women? Husbands, what are
your expectations from your wives? In 2001
I wrote an article entitled “Lord, Please Give me a
Housewife.” In that article I attempted to inform readers
how terribly many wives were being treated and how
unrealistic were the expectations of many husbands. Today,
more than a decade later, I sadly report that far too many
wives or female live-in-partners are still being treated
like house maids and mere sex partners, not lovers,
partners, and spouses.
Far too many fathers and grandfathers are still re-enforcing
abusive, controlling, and extremely traditional behaviors of
men toward women. In addition, far to many mothers and
grandmothers are still teaching their daughters that the
role of the wife is to be unquestionably subjective to their
partners, serve then, feed them well and give them all the
sex they need, and their marriages will be happy.
I am still hearing men say that they are “looking for wives
to take care of them.” I am also hearing women say that
“they are looking for a man with plenty of money.” These
are two expectations that when mixed with extreme
traditionalism will create controlling and abusive
relationships. (Look out for next
week's article: “Lord,
please give me a good husband”).
During courtship, many men are sweet, giving, caring,
helping and compassionate. These men would literally do
anything to capture the hearts of their girlfriends--even if
it means cooking, washing, and cleaning the house. After
the wedding bells would have ringed and the honeymoon would
have ended the husband’s true colors begin to show
themselves. Within a few months to two years after the
wedding day the wife discovers that her husband is really
not that sweet, caring person she first met. Although he
would come home from work hours ahead of her he refuses to
prepare meals, wash dishes, and clean the house. Instead,
he relaxes in the arm chair half a sleep while watching
television. When she arrives home from work, even if it is
very late, he demands attention and to be served his
freshly-made evening meals. How unreasonable! It is an
unreasonable expectation. This is the kind of expectation
that can cause serious martial discord in early marriages.
Why? Because it is one partner treating the other like a
servant or slave. It is making the wife feel as though she
is her husband’s property, thus devaluing her meaning and
purpose in life.
THE WIFE I WANT
Let me share a few lines from the article wrote twelve
years ago where a husband describes the kind of wife he
wants
(It
was published by Judy Syfers in the book "I
Want a Wife"):
Here it is:
“I want a wife who will take care of
the details of my social life. When my wife and I are
invited out by friends, I want a wife who will take care of
babysitting arrangements. When I meet people at school who I
like and want to entertain, I want a wife who will have the
house clean, will prepare a special meal, serve it to me and
my friends, and not interrupt when I talk about the things
that interest me and my friends. I want a wife who will have
arranged that the children are fed and ready for bed before
my guests arrive so that the children do not bother us. And
I want a wife who knows that sometimes I need a night out by
myself. . . . I want a wife who is sensitive to my sexual
needs, and a wife who makes love passionately and eagerly
when I feel like it, a wife who makes sure that I am
satisfied . . .I want my wife to quit working and remain at
home so that my wife can more fully and completely take care
of a wife’s duties.”
In marriage seminars and therapy sessions, I constantly
remained both men and women that they both have equal
responsibility to govern and manage the home—every aspect of
it. Together they should decide, based on talent, not
gender, the different tasks they would do in the home. Note
carefully however, that if it is mutual agreement that the
wife remains at home to provide care and nurture for their
growing little children, it does not absolve the
responsibilities of the husbands to be involved in nurture
or household duties. Some men think that staying at home to
care for the children and manage the home is easy work.
The often do not understand the awesome task of homemaking.
Thus they refuse to participate in household duties.
“LORD, MAKE ME THE WIFE”
Here is a fable of a husband and wife who had three little
energetic boys not yet old enough for school. The husband
worked outside the home and the wife as a full-time
homemaker (home and family engineer). The wife constantly
requested for her husband to participate in taking care of
the children when he gets home form work and do certain
household chores. He would say that he was working very
hard on the job so when he comes home he needed relaxation
and peace. He said “He should not have to work at home and
on the job.” He would say that his job was much harder than
she was doing therefore she should be glad she is at home
doing “very little.” After months of the wife’s
complaints, and annoying the husband, he decided to do
something about it. He fell on his knees and prayed to God
to help him show his wife that his work is hard and her work
is easy. He asked the Lord to make him the wife and make
her the husband for just one week. He was sure that by the
end of the week his wife would appreciate how hard he
worked. So the Lord granted the request. The wife took
the place of the husband on his job and the husband stayed
at home.
The first day for the wife on the job went well. She was
already use to managing and multitasking. It was easy and
productive. Her colleagues were amazed with her
performance. For the husband, by the end of the first day
he was beginning to become frustrated. The demands from
each of the boys, the noise, phone calls, rush to the store,
stomach aches, cries, screams, cooking, etc. It was
frustrating. By the end of the third day while his wife
(disguised as the husband) was doing very well on the job,
he could not go on any longer as the wife. It was far too
demanding, energy depleting, and frustrating. It required
too much of him. He wanted out.
So he went on his knees to the Lord. He said “Lord, I
cannot wait to the end of the week. The work is too hard.
I now respect the work my wife is doing. I would now
participate and do what I suppose to do when I get home.
Please Lord, I cannot go to the end of the week. Turn me
back to the husband before the week in completed.” The Lord
said “I hope you learned your lesson. I can turn you back
now, but it will not be wise. It’s too late” “Why, Lord?”
The husband responded. The Lord said “because you are
pregnant and that’s going to take nine months and then
another four to six months of breast feeding” Then the
husband screamed loudly.
Of course this is not a true story, but it does make a
point. Husbands, your wives are not your maids. If you
need a maid you can look in the Classified Adds and heir
one. She is not required to serve you like a waiter in a
hotel and you never do the same for her. Honor your wife
and start sharing in all family and house-hold duties.
Remember, when you are cleaning the dishes or clean the
house, you are not “helping” your wife. You are actually
doing what you suppose to do. She is your equal partner.
Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage and family therapist and
board certified clinical psychotherapist, USA. Send your
questions or comments to question@soencouragement.org or
write to P.O. Box CB-11045, Nassau, The Bahamas, or visit www.soencouragement.org or
call 242-327-1980 or 242-477-4002
