This
article is the continuation of the previous article, "We
Need Healing in Our Church." Here are a few of the questions
I asked: What happens to a church when its members’ hopes
and dreams have been shattered by the inappropriate behavior
of their spiritual leader? Why do such things happen? Why do
people in power violate the trust of people by seducing
them? Some people respond to such questions by stating that
pastors are only human. Aren’t we all human? For an in depth
response to this problem you may read my four-part series
entitled "Sex in the Forbidden Zone" available
online.
Far too
many pastors, both young and old, find themselves trapped in
a quagmire of sexual indiscretion and sexual abuse.
Unfortunately, power is one of the greatest aphrodisiacs on
earth. Many women are attracted to men in inpositions of
power. This includes, but is not limited to, pastors,
politicians, sports stars, etc. When the pastor’s ego is
stroked by the care and attention women give him, he will
fall if he has little or no boundaries. The male or female
pastor has to be vigilant, astute, and morally sound.
To reduce
the possibility of falling, the pastor is to have a deep
sense of self-efficacy. Therapy Notes
for Psychologist states: “Self-efficacy refers to the strong
sense of trust in your abilities and competencies and
determines how you think and feel about yourself. It
influences your thoughts, emotions, actions, and motivation,
and enhances self-control.”
In
addition, a keen sense of self-awareness is more important.
Therapy Notes for Psychologists explains it this way:
“Self-awareness begins in infancy, develops as you grow
older, and includes public and private self-awareness. Your
private (or internal) self-awareness refers to your
awareness surrounding your values, choices, and goals, and
how they impact other people. Public (or external)
self-awareness is an understanding of how others perceive
you.”
Wow! Are
you beginning to understand why some pastors fall to sexual
impropriety? Is it because they are emotionally and
psychologically wounded? Is it because the attention others
give to them boosts their fragile egos to their own
detriment?
Too
many pastors who are leading churches have fallen sexually.
What happens to a church when its members’ hopes and dreams
have been shattered by the inappropriate behavior of their
spiritual leader? Why do such things happen? Why do people
in power violate the trust of the people by seducing them?
Some people respond to such questions by stating that
pastors are only human. Aren’t we all human?
Pastors are
powerful human beings. No other human being on earth has the
respect, honor, and privilege that pastors have, not even
heads of state. Too many pastors, however, live in a dark
world of secret sexual fantasies and inappropriate
behaviors. As mentioned earlier, too many pastors are
themselves wounded and damaged material.
They enter
the ministry because it appeals to their need to be accepted
and to become powerful. Instead of admitting to their own
vulnerability, they allow their pride and ego to take
control. When their inordinate sexual desires raise their
ugly heads, these pastors become weak and powerless. The
more powerful they are in the pulpit and in the eyes of the
believers, the weaker they are to oppose the sexual forces
within them.
Accountability is the first step toward healing. The guilty
pastors must ask their congregation for forgiveness for
violating their trust. In addition, he should remove himself
from the position of trust, if only until complete healing
has taken place. It would be wise for the church or
denominational leaders to remove the pastor from serving the
church.
If he is
too proud to do this, then his congregation will know that
he is not a hopeful ministerial prospect. If the pastor is
the highest authority in the church and is not accountable
to a higher authority, then he or she and the church are in
big trouble, especially if he or she denies what is so
obvious to others.
The
greatest challenge to dealing with pastors who are accused
of sexual misconduct or any other inappropriate behavior is
when they deny that anything has happened, even when there
are witnesses and tangible evidence. In their own words:
"Everyone is a liar." "
People
are only trying to hurt my ministry." This is the time the
pastor wields his most powerful sword of persuasion on the
weak-minded, blindly loyal congregants. He uses his most
effective weapon, the pulpit, to preach powerful sermons on
how people in Bible times tried to destroy the innocent. He
would appear to be so genuine and spiritual that blind
loyalists would be more convinced that he is telling the
truth. There have been cases where the pastor uses his
executive powers by removing all persons from the church
office whom he thinks do not support him. These are the
pastors who set themselves up as demigods.
Often,
these kinds of behaviors are allowed to flourish because the
church administrators, or those who are the pastor’s
advisors, do nothing about it. To prevent embarrassment to
the pastor or the church, they cover up by not saying a
thing. It’s a "hush, hush." It becomes the biggest cover-up
in town. Sometimes they move the pastor to another district,
send them overseas, or even to graduate school. But wherever
the pastor goes, he leaves a nasty trail of sexually
inappropriate behavior. This is not helping the pastor.
These administrators become just as guilty and are
accomplices in the crime of destroying others and the life
of the pastor. It is best to deal with the pastor honestly
than to push the situation under the rug.
When a
spouse finds out that her minister husband has been cheating
on her, she may experience a mixture of feelings. She has
been betrayed by the man to whom she gave her life and body.
She may become extremely angry, frustrated, and ashamed. The
news of her husband’s sexual behavior may push her into a
deep depression. Her greatest challenge is finding a
confidant. Facing the congregation, friends, and sometimes
relatives seems most difficult. The children will also face
challenges at school from their peers, who seem so cold in
their questioning and comments. Their lives have been turned
upside down by their father’s behavior. Little do we know,
without divine healing and professional help, their lives
will be ruined forever.
I encourage
such spouses and family members to seek professional help.
Find a trusted friend or family member to depend on. Avoid
being alone for long periods at a time. Avoid feeling guilty
for what has happened. Your husband has made a choice on his
own. You did not "make him do it." Take care of yourself.
You need not be troubled about making emotional, quick
decisions about ending the relationship. However, finding
your own peace might be most important. While going through
this dark time in your life, remember God has not abandoned
you. Lean on Him. The sad part about all of this is that we
can only help the pastor if he wants to be helped. To admit
one needs help calls for great humility and the removal of
false pride.
Barrington
H. Brennen is a marriage and family therapist. Send you
questions or comments to question@soencouragement.org or
call 1242 327 1980 or visit www.soencouragement.org
