- I can’t leave
My Parents
- Why do children
stay in abusive relationships?
- By Barrington H.
Brennen
- May 5, 2004, 2019
Under what circumstances should
children leave their parents? What an odd and uncomfortable statement to make!
If you do not read this entire article, you might not get the full
understanding of the intent of the question. Read with an open mind.
Family violence is very prevalent
in our country. Husbands physically abusing their wives stands at the top of
the list of painful atrocities occurring in homes in the Bahamas are home
around the world. Emotional and
psychological abuses are almost equal between husbands and wives and common-law
marriages.
As mentioned in two previous articles, spouses or partners
being abused usually find it very difficult to leave the abusive relationship
for various reasons. (Why Do Women Stay?
Why Do Men Stay?) A central theme of those
articles is that God never intended or expected a man or woman to live under
the threat of, or to tolerate any form of systematic abuse that destroys one
emotionally or injures one physically. In this article I am adding children to
the list.
- CHILDREN ARE MOST
VULNERABLE
- If adults who are being abused can find it
almost impossible to leave an abusive relationship, what about the
children? Adults are supposed to have the capacity to make independent
choices and decisions that can govern their lives. Children, on the
other hand, haven’t yet developed such abilities and do not have the
power to make such decisions. Thus, they are most vulnerable to the
overt and covert forms of abuse they experience from their adult
providers. The painful truth is that children should not be living with
parents or any adult who abuse them. There are too many homes where, if
it were possible to place a seismograph to measure unreasonable human
behavior, it would record the highest possible rating. Too many homes
are not safe places for anyone to live, more so our children. Why should
children stay in these homes? What can children do? Why do they stay?
WHY DO CHILDREN STAY?
-
- Why do children stay with their abusive
parents may be obvious to some. Others may think that this is an absurd
question. If all fully understood the dynamics of abuse and valued the
rights of children, there will be no children remaining in abusive and
dysfunctional families. Here, what I believe, are four natural
human factors that make children vulnerable to abuse from
non-caring, ignorant, power-crazed parents and why they cannot leave:
THE TRUST
FACTOR: Children are the most trusting creatures on earth. From birth
they are dependent on someone stronger and wiser than they are. Sadly, the
divine-ordained naively-trusting of children makes them vulnerable to
abusive parents. During the very early years, this trusting places some
children in environments or situations that are at the first exposure very
painful and destructive. When these innocent children experience painful
abuse, they respond with cries of discomfort and only remain because they
cannot help themselves. Their trusting is one of their greatest risk factors
for abuse.
INTELLIGENCE
FACTOR: Children between birth to age five or older are unable to
understand that an apple is "green" when it is red. Dr. Raymond
More, an expert in the United States on child development, states that
children do not develop fully in areas of cognition, audio perception, and
visual clarity until the age of seven or above. He states that many children
do not reach the age of maturity that would warrant their exposure to school
and other regimented milieu until the age of eleven. Hence, he believes that
a child should not be placed in a school environment until the age of seven.
Parents who do not understand the developmental processes of their children
are most likely to abuse them, hindering a healthy intellectual and physical
growth. These unwise parents make unreasonable demands and require
unrealistic responses from their children.
THE
BELIEF FACTOR: Children are naturally spiritual creatures. They crave
guidance and direction from their significant others. This is why
spirituality is so central in the lives of children. Unfortunately, many
children are raised in homes were national and religious traditions are held
high above common sense. Children are first taught they must obey their
parents, be seen and not heard, and only talk when spoken to. Parents rivet
this concept in the minds of their children first by a gentle inducement of
a morbid kind of fear when they tell their children that "God will
punish them in eternal fire if they are rude" and other similar
statements.
Children, already unable to understand the concept of an unseen
God, yet who are naturally responsive and trusting, are driven to believe
such idiotic expressions. In the Bahamas and the Caribbean, perhaps the
greatest form of abuse to children is spiritual abuse. It is the foundation
for other forms of abuse, in particular, physical abuse. A common scriptural
passage misused to instill fear is found in Proverbs 23:13 "Withhold
not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he
shall not die." How can children escape this kind of parental prison if
there is an all-powerful, fearful God (the greater Significant Other) who
will find them and punish them no matter where they hide? A misuse of
scripture is the most frightening form of abuse for children and adults as
well.
THE FEAR
FACTOR: The first three factors combined generate perhaps children’s
most natural and yet enervating response to abuse–fear. A father who
sexually abuses his children knows this very well. How can a child escape
when dad first tells his seven-year-old daughter with whom he had sex that
"this is our little secret." Then he takes advantage of his
daughter’s understanding of trust and guidance by threatening her with
punishment if she tells anyone about their secret. If he feels she will tell
on him, he may even threaten abandonment, severe punishment, or death. How
can a child escape when being raised in an environment of paralyzing fear?
Who will believe her in the first place? Many mothers turn their heads. Many
family members close their ears. They would even punish their children for
saying that this wonderful father and leader in the community could be so
evil.
- LET’S SPEAK FOR THEM
- The truth is that children are powerless to
leave the prisons of abuse. Therefore, we must save and protect them. We
cannot have fathers who are found guilty of sexual abuse return to the
community unknown and without severe consequences. Too many children are trapped in their own homes. Too many adults in our society
are crippled emotionally because of childhood physical, emotional, and
sexual abuse. Let’s work together to free our children from the clutches
of power-crazed, unreasonable, ignorant, and spiritually abusive
parents.
-
Barrington Brennen is a counseling psychologist and marriage
and family therapist. Send your questions to question@soencouragment.org or
call 242-327-1980 or visit www.soencouragement.org