Who Should Pay the
Bills in the Home?
By Barrington H. Brennen, Sept 2, 2026
PDF Format
Who
should pay the bills in the home? My simple and
straightforward answer is this: The ones who are
providing income or the ones who are working in
the home. Usually, that is the mother and
father. Also, when there are working adults in
the home, it should include their responsibility
to join in providing financial support for the
home.
That’s an easy answer. But unfortunately, it is
not as straightforward as that in many homes.
Traditional beliefs often play a bigger part in
determining who should pay the bills. The
tradition is that the breadwinner is the one to
pay the bills, and the breadwinner is the male
or husband in the home. But is this a practical
and best method of financial governance? My
answer is a definite no.
The breadwinner practice is based on an idea
that the male is to be the chief provider in the
home. That would mean he is to make the most
money. Some children are still being taught
that when they start to work, if they are
females, the money they make is their own to
take care of themselves. If they are males,
their money is to take care of the home and
themselves. Therefore, total disclosure is
usually nonexistent.
The problem with the "breadwinner" idea is that
it creates rigid financial pressure, enforces
unequal domestic roles, and harms relationship
health when it conflicts with modern economic
realities. It is a recipe for disaster. In
cases where the wife makes more money than the
husband, these traditional husbands feel
pressured to find ways to make more money, even
though there is sufficient income between the
two of them to run the home. We do know that
men who are fixated on the traditional
expectations of being the sole provider can
experience higher chronic stress or lower
self-worth if their partner out-earns them.
When
“I must be the breadwinner” ideology burns into
the hearts of traditional males, they are
pressured to do weird things. For example,
years ago I met a couple where the husband made
a high salary of $90,000 a year and the wife
made $150,000 a year. He was uncomfortable that
his wife was making more money than he did, even
though together they had more than enough to run
a middle-class home and splurge on regular
vacations and high-end automobiles and
substantial savings. What did he do to satisfy
his male chauvinistic mentality? He began
looking for another job and found it.
Eventually, the two jobs chewed away at the
romance and time spent together. He was making
more money than his wife, but the tension and
avoidable conflicts began showing their ugly
heads. The marriage ended in divorce.
In many homes where both husband and wife are
working, there is an unspoken imbalance of power
and control. It is often one-sided. The
husband has greater power. They do something
that is inherently devastating. They split the
bills. Many often think it is a natural thing
to do, with the male holding the greatest power.
Bill splitting means they assign the various
bills/expenses to each other.
James McWhinney, in his article "Mine or Yours,"
states: When the bills have been covered, each
spouse can spend what they have left as they see
fit. It sounds like a reasonable plan, but the
process often builds resentment over the
individual purchases made. It divides spending
power, eliminating much of the financial value
of marriage, as well as the ability to plan for
long-term goals. . . Bill splitting also pushes
down the road any planning and
consensus-building about how financial burdens
will be handled if one spouse loses a job;
decides to cut back on hours or takes a pay cut
to try out a new career; leaves the workforce to
raise the children, goes back to school, or
cares for a parents; or is there’s any other
situation in which one partner have to
financially support the other.”
Yes, bill splitting often kills the marriage.
Then the question is, who should pay the bills?
In a normal home where mom and dad are married
and both are working, or even when one is
working outside the home, it is the budget that
pays the bills and not each person. This is
what pre-marriage educators have been teaching
couples for decades.
In marriage, there is total self-disclosure.
All of the income of each person comes together
in what I call a “Couple Harmonious Financial
Plan.” Nothing is withheld. Within that plan
(the budget), there is a line item called
“allowance” or “discretionary fund” for each
partner. It is the same amount regardless of
the size of the income. The budget levels the
playing field. The funds are for the individual
to spend however he or she wants to spend
without reporting to the other. Who should pay
the bills in the home? The budget.
Finally, I discovered that many couples are
married legally, sexually, spiritually, but not
financially. This is a recipe for disaster. I
plan to write more about this topic in the
coming weeks. Look out for it.
Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage and family
therapist. Send comments or questions to question@soencouragement.org or
visit www.soencouragement.org
