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Too Old for Sex

By Barrington H. Brennen, January 22, 2013

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Question:  Dear Sir, I am 83-years-old and my husband and I have not had sexual intercourse since our last child was conceived 44 years ago.  No one knows this because in public we put on a good face.  Now that I am older and the children and grand children are away, I am realizing that my sex drive is getting stronger and I really would like to engage in a beautiful sexual experience with my husband.  Am I too old for sex?   How can I get the sex going again?  Signed: A hot old lady who is gray and spicy.


Answer:  Dear “Hot old lady,” you are not too old for sex.  Sexual interaction is not limited to only adults of a certain age.   Since retirement age is at sixty-five, it does not mean that sex also retires at the same time. There are many very, very, mature senior citizens who are actively involved in the most intimate form of love—sex.   Couples enjoy sex even far beyond the 90s. 


However, Dr. Bean Robinson, a professor in Human Sexuality at the, University of Minnesota, gives a more comprehensive response to the question “Are you ever too old to have sex?  He says: "The short answer is: it depends.  It depends on things like opportunity, availability, ability and desire.”  He continues:  “The long answer is no, you're never too old for sex. But the landscape does change.  He states that “sexual connection is very basic to humans. After all, each of us has a sexual identity and while it may change, it doesn't disappear.  There are also differences in the ways that men and women deal with their sexuality over the years. A lot of women become more confident in expressing and acting on their needs and desires. On the other hand, and for the other gender, there may be fears about "performing."  Erectile dysfunction is big business these days, and thus, a pervasive part of the culture.”   Dr. Robinson infers that the declining of sex over the years is not so unusual.  He explains “There are some not-so-good news, and some good news. Over time people tend to have less sex in long-term relationships.  But, people also claim more satisfaction with their sex lives as they age.”


Dear “Hot old lady,” I have some suggestions that might help you get started with a sex life with your husband. 


  1. Investigate:  Find the time to talk with your husband about your concern.  He needs to talk about it with you.  Don’t beg him but certainly express that although it has been a long time, you are not ready to close the chapter on this part of your life.  Honestly dig deep in your mind to see if you remember why the sex stopped.  Was it because you lost interest after your last child due to hormonal or psychological problems?  Was the relationship abusive causing your sex drive to fizzle away?  Were there other medical issues that have impacted the sex drive in either of you—hypertension, diabetes, heart problems, etc?

  2. Change Your Diet: Perhaps without your husband knowledge, research what kinds of foods and supplements can help turn up the sex drive a notch.  Research tells us that watermelon is great for increasing the sex drive.  There are also certain spices like cayenne pepper that can do the trick.  You can add these to his diet and see if there are changes.  Then when you notice something climb on and get happy.

  3. Get professional help:  If you cannot talk about the problem or cannot find avenues to begin sex again, seek professional help. Talk to a sex or marriage therapist.  You might even seek advice from a gerontologist (a medical doctor specializing in the elderly).  There are medications that are able to help you.  As mentioned

    earlier, perhaps even a change of diet and lifestyle might help.  You are never too old to change your life.  “Old dog” can learn new tricks.

  4. Show Love:  Instead of complaining provide an environment of love and affirmation.  Let your words provide encouragement and enticement.  Brighten the home with vibrant colors, romantic music, and extra special meals.  Write him love letters and offer to bathe together once and a while.  While in the home, dress to entice but do not over do it.  In other words, start turning the juices on in very gentle ways.


Let me remind you that aging does not reduce sexual satisfaction.  Remember, it is usually related to poor health, psychological or medical reasons.  If your husband is willing to work with you, I am certain the sex can be rekindled in your marriage.


Send your questions and comments to P.O. Box CB-13019, Nassau, The Bahamas or call 1242-327-1980, or email barringtonbrennen@gmail.com or visit www.soencouragement.org   




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