Over a year ago I attended a
professional seminar conducted by one of the world’s leading
experts in marriage relationships and emotional
intelligence, psychologist Brent J. Atkinson. The seminar
was entitled “Habits of People Who Know How to Get Their
Partners to Treat Them Well: Dealing with Differences.” Dr. Atkinson presented six habits that successful couples
use when dealing with
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Barrington Brennen |
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Brent J.
Atkinson
Professor Emeritus of Marriage and
Family Therapy at Northern Illinois
University.
Read More |
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For more information about Dr.
Atkinson’s approach, visit
www.thecouplesclinic.com
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differences. These are habits “that
are characteristic of people who are skilled at eliciting
respect, caring and cooperation from their partners.” These habits were discovered while conducting a scientific
study of thousands of couples over a several years.
What are these habits? These
are habits couples use when they are having potentially
heated arguments and serious differences in points of
views. Dr. Atkinson says that “studies suggest that
the ability to react effectively when feeling upset is not
optional—it is a must for anyone who hopes to have a
satisfying intimate relationship.” I will provide several
direct quotes from Dr. Atkinson’s report (with permission) to help us clearly
understand these habits. (see photo on the left)
HABIT #1 - AVOIDING A
JUDGMENTAL ATTITUDE
For almost two decades I have
been sharing with my couples in therapy that having a
non-judgment attitude is one of the key ingredients for
having a healthy relationship. I have observed the when a
partner have false assumptions about his or her partner it
results in serious discord. Dr Atkinson states that “A
hallmark of people who are good at getting their partners to
treat them well is that they know that when they get upset
with their partners, it doesn’t necessarily mean that their
partners have done anything wrong. It’s normal to be upset
when you’re at cross-purposes. Nobody has to be right or
wrong. . . . Studies suggest that concluding that one’s
partner is wrong when he’s really not is a mistake you do not want to
make. It’s one of the most damaging things that people do in
relationships. If you make
this mistake, it will lower the odds that your partner will
be able to see your needs or expectations as legitimate,
will care about how you feel, and will be willing to make
changes. Your accusation will arouse his natural defenses
and make it very hard for him to keep an open mind. You’ll
breed ill will in
him unnecessarily. There’s nothing more
demoralizing than being falsely accused.”
HABIT #2 - FINDING THE
UNDERSTANDABLE PART
I’ve found this habit most
special. This habit will work miracles in a relationship.
Here’s how Dr. Atkinson describes this habit: “When
disagreements arise, most of us tend to think of our own
position as reasonable and the other person’s as
unreasonable. However, at some point in the argument, those
who know how to get their partners to treat them well manage
to find something understandable about what their partners
are saying or wanting, even if they can’t agree overall. They seem to understand an important principle: If you want
to receive understanding, first give understanding. If
you fail to acknowledge anything about your partner’s
viewpoint as reasonable, it will be very difficult for him
to truly care about your viewpoint, regardless of how
legitimate it is. If you want to make it as difficult as
possible for your partner to see and acknowledge the
legitimate reasons why you feel the way you do, just counter
or criticize each and every point he makes during a
discussion. . . Many people are hesitant to acknowledge
anything understandable about their partners’ points of
view, thinking that if they give an inch, their partners
will take a mile. People destined to succeed in their
relationships don’t worry about this, because they know that
they can always stand up for their own points of view later.
There’s no rush. They know that just because they
acknowledge something legitimate about their partners’
viewpoints doesn’t mean that their own viewpoints aren’t
legitimate too. They are able to do two things in
succession: acknowledge the understandable part of their
partners’ opinions, and hold on to the legitimacy of their own
opinions, if needed. . . People who know how to get their
partners to treat them well are good at finding reasons for
their partners’ viewpoints and actions—reasons that are
sometimes difficult to see at first.”
HABIT #3 - IDENTIFY THE
UNDERLYING NEEDS, VALUES AND WORRIES.
”Many times, people find that
when they’re motivated to keep open minds and they try
to understand the logic
behind their partners’ viewpoints or actions, they no longer
have problems with what their
partners want. However, there are other times when they
still find that they see things differently than their
partners, or that they have different priorities or
expectations. In these situations, skillful people try to
dig beneath the surface and explain to their partners the
important things that drive their priorities, preferences or
expectations. Arguments often fail because partners argue
about the wrong things. People who are destined to succeed
in their relationships realize that the reasons they are
upset or have trouble doing what their partner wants
sometimes run deeper than the present situation. Often,
there is something bigger at stake. Your ability to explain
the underlying reasons for being upset will help your
partner become more cooperative and understanding. At some
point during an argument people destined for success pause
and take the conversation to a different level, saying
something like, “OK, I think I just figured out why this
bothers me so much… I’m worried that…Unless you are able to
identify the bigger issues that lie beneath your reactions
in the present situation, you may end up arguing over
superficial things and leave the real issues unaddressed.
People who are destined to succeed in their relationships
look for the bigger needs, dreams and fears at stake in any
given situation.”
HABIT
#4 - GIVING AND ASKING FOR EQUAL REGARD
Many of my couples talk about lack of respect in the
relationship. The following habit will speak directly to
that. Note carefully the “regard” is more than the
superficial understanding of the word “respect.” It is deep
concern, care, sympathy. This is what Dr. Atkinson says:
“The most successful intimate partnerships operate like
democracies: one person, one vote. In a democratic society,
when people go to cast their votes, there is no obligation
to prove that their reasoning is good enough for their votes
to count. Their opinions count as much as anyone else’s,
regardless of what anyone thinks of their reasoning. The
same is true in successful intimate relationships.
Successful partners are willing to give and take, regardless
of whether they agree with each other or not. The
willingness to give equal regard doesn’t necessarily come at
the front end of an argument. In fact, sometimes when
researchers looked at the arguing style of partners destined
to succeed, they couldn’t distinguish them from partners
destined to fail. The differences only became clear later,
after each partner had exhausted his or her efforts to
convince the other. Both successful and unsuccessful
partners often argued vigorously for their own points of
view, and showed little regard for their partners’
viewpoints during the argument. However, in the end,
successful partners were willing to count their companions’
opinions and preferences as much as their own. Relationship
studies clearly suggest that if you want the kind of love
and respect from your partner that most of us would like to
have from our partners, when you disagree, you won’t try to
trump your partner’s feelings or priorities with your own.
Studies suggest that there’s a line you simply can’t cross
in relationships and get away with it, and that line
involves winning at the expense of your partner. The bottom
line is, if you want your partner to treat you well, you
need to be willing to count his feelings as much as your
own, even—actually, especially—in situations where the
stakes are high and you feel strongly about your positions.
. . . Willingness to give equal regard is a fundamental
requirement for having a satisfying relationship. If you
aren’t willing to compromise with your partner in areas
where you disagree, you’ll be putting yourself squarely in
the company of people who rarely get the kind of love and
respect from their partners that they would like to have.
Studies suggest that if you’re not willing to give equal
regard, any attempts to get more respectful treatment from
your partner
will be fatally flawed.”
HABIT
#5 - OFFERING ASSURANCE
You need to read this one carefully. Dr. Atkinson skillfully
addresses this habit. “One thing is clear from research on
intimate relationships: Arguments don’t have to be pretty in
order to be productive. In fact, they can be downright ugly
without causing lasting negative consequences. Studies
reveal that partners destined to succeed are often
defensive, bull-headed, and unresponsive to their partners.
The difference is that, after a failed argument, partners
who succeed in their relationships are effective at
repairing the damage, whereas partners destined to fail are
far less successful at repair. This finding is of vast
importance, because it means that partners who want to
succeed don’t necessarily need to do better in the first
round of arguments. It is more important to be good at
repairing than to avoid getting off track in the first
place. Researchers have found that there is a wide variety
of methods that people can use to repair the damage of
previous arguments, yet it is difficult to find any single
method that works all the time. A self-depreciating comment
might work well on one occasion, but the same sort of
comment in another situation might make things worse. Even
apologies are surprisingly unreliable in their reparative
effect. That said, over the years one method has emerged as
more reliable than others in successfully repairing damage
done during previous arguments: the offering of specific
forms of assurance. After a failed argument, people who
possess this skill begin by asking themselves, “Did my
partner think I was saying that he was wrong, or out of line
in some way?” or “Did my partner think I was saying that my
opinion or preferences should count more than his?” When
arguments have gone poorly, the answer to these questions is
almost always “yes.” The most powerful thing that can be
done at this point is to simply offer one or two kinds of
assurance.”
HABIT
#6 - STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF WITHOUT MAKING A BIG DEAL
ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU HAD TO
This habit is really a great one. Many of us could never
fully articulate this in clear words but when reading what
Dr. Atkinson says there is a “Ah that’s it!” response. “The
five habits discussed thus far are all important predictors
of relationship success, but unless a person also has the
sixth habit, it’s unlikely that he or she will be able to
continue implementing the first five over time. . . .On any
given day it’s possible that, in spite of one’s efforts to
have a good attitude and willingness to work cooperatively,
one’s partner may not return the same kind of generosity and
cooperativeness. Studies suggest that this happens in most
relationships at times, and the ability to react effectively
when it happens is not optional. It’s one of the core
requirements for having a successful relationship. People
who are effective at these moments require that their
partners make some adjustments in their attitudes and
actions, but they do it in a way that makes it easy for
their partners to make the adjustments. They know how to
stand up for themselves without putting their partners
down.” Dr. Atkinson explains that “Standing up for yourself
involves asking (and requiring, if necessary) that your
partner give your priorities, viewpoints or preferences
equal regard.” He says “the first situation that requires
standing up for oneself skillfully happens if one’s partner
criticizes harshly. There are situations where a partner
uses accusatory words such as “stupid,” “dumb, “selfish,” or
“thoughtless” to describe his/her mate’s
viewpoints
or actions. When their partners criticize them harshly,
skillful people temporarily skip over the first five habits
and begin the process of standing up for themselves without
making a big deal of it (the sixth habit). They return to
the first five habits when their partners show at
least a minimal level of regard for their explanations or
viewpoints.
Skillful people realize that it does no good to persist in
attempts to be reasonable with someone who isn’t willing or
able to be reasonable with them. The second situation
happens when people approach their partners using the first
five habits—they avoid criticizing their partners and
instead ask their partners to give and take—but their
partners won’t! In spite of sincere attempts to keep
open-minded and flexible attitudes, explain their viewpoints
without criticism, recognize and acknowledge the reasonable
parts of their partners’ arguments, listen non-defensively,
and assure their partners that they are willing to be
flexible, their partners aren’t willing to do the same. In
these situations, people who know how to get their partners
to treat them well begin the standing up process and return
to the first five habits only when their partners show at
least a minimal level of regard for their explanations or
viewpoints. . . People who are skilled in standing up for
themselves begin with the attitude that it’s normal for
their partners to be biased toward their own viewpoints and
to want to have things go their way, and they don’t expect
their partners to necessarily volunteer to give up ground
when disagreements occur. They don’t see it as a crime when,
in the beginning, their partners are critical or inflexible.
When this happens, they avoid making a big deal of their
partners’ temporary uncooperativeness and simply make it
clear that they’re going to need their partners to become
more open-minded and flexible. They assure their partners
that they are willing to do the same. If their partners
don’t respond, they express distress and reiterate that they
don’t expect their partners to adopt their priorities or to
do things their way, but they do expect their partners to be
respectful, flexible and willing to “give and take.”
Dear reader, explaining how all this work require some
intense, long seminar. I just wanted to wet your appetite
and help you to know that there are habits used by
successful couples. Also, successful couples are not
pain-free but are certainly highly skilled in preventing the
pain from continuing.
Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage and family therapist and
board certified clinical psychotherapist, USA. Send your
questions or comments to barringtonbrennen@gmail.com or
write to P.O. Box CB-11045, Nassau, The Bahamas, or visit www.soencouragement.org
or call 242-327-1980 or 242-477-4002
