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She Wants A Leader

By Barrington H. Brennen, March 30, 2016

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It is imperative that I write about this topic because still far too many men do not get it yet about leadership in the community, home, and relationship.  They are causing more pain than joy.  Here are a few key points to note:    First, the modern woman does not want a man to lead her.   She has her own brain and can think for herself.  Second, a woman does want a man in her life who is a leader, one who leads his own life--not her.   If a man is not a leader of his own life, the relationship with his spouse or partner is in trouble.   Third, a woman wants a man who can lead with her.  She wants to share power and decision making. 

How can you tell if you are a leader of your own life?   I advise you not to seek a romantic partner until you are already a leader of your own life.  Being a leader of your own life (female and male) means:  

  1. You are old enough to make life-long decisions independently in all areas of your life without having to inform or report to others.  

  2. You can make simple day-to-day decisions without the need of input from any other adults, including mom or dad.  

  3. You have and manage your own bank account and have a source of personal income. 

  4. You have negotiating powers when it comes to purchasing assets of any kind. 

  5. You can sleep alone and feel safe and emotionally secure.  

  6. You can keep focused and grounded on your courses of action.  

  7. You feel emotionally fulfilled and satisfied from the decisions you are making and continue to make in your life.        

  8. You do not crave the approval of others to assure yourself you are okay. 

Dear reader, if you cannot answer affirmatively to all of these statements, you are not a leader of your own life.  

Although these are for both male and female, my greatest concern is about females because far too many are not raised to be leaders but subservient followers instead.   Both male and females are designed with equal capacity to lead, and it first starts with personal leadership.

Let’s look at it another way.  Both the male and female brains are equipped with equal ability to think, reason, critique, analyze, and thus make independent decisions.  Not one brain is superior over the other.  Over the centuries, without any foundation or evidence, men argued that women were intellectually inferior and did not have the capacity to do mathematics, science, and logic. Also, they asserted that women were mere emotional creatures destined to bear children and engage in domestic activities. However, just simply reviewing the facts will dispel that notion.  More women engage and graduate in from higher education than men. For example here are a few women who were great scientists and leaders in their own spheres.   These are cited from a BizTech May 11, 2012 article entitled “Mothers of Technology: 10 Women Who Invented and Innovated in Tech.”

  1. Hedy Lamarr (1920s) proved to be more than just a pretty face. She played a key role in the invention of spread-spectrum technology; specifically, by conceptualizing the idea of frequency hopping, which is a method of sending radio signals from different frequency channels.   Lamarr and her co-inventor, George Antheil, developed the technology originally to help the Navy remotely control torpedoes.” 

  2. Called the Queen of Software by some and Grandma COBOL by others, Navy Rear Admiral Grace Hopper helped invent some of the early English-language programming languages. She is most famously associated with the Common Business-Oriented Language (COBOL), which was based on the FLOW-MATIC language that she designed back in 1958.  Before the invention of such language-based programming, computers spoke exclusively in binary code, which was illegible to human beings. Hopper was convinced that if programming were produced in a form that anyone could read, then there would be more programmers. It turns out that she was right.

  3. Network engineer Radia Perlman helped make Ethernet technology a household name. Her Spanning Tree Protocol (STP) made it possible to build massive networks using Ethernet by creating a mesh network of layer-2 bridges and then disabling the links that aren’t part of that tree. This networking innovation had a significant impact on network switches, which has led some to call Perlman the Mother of the Internet — a title that she eschews.

  4. Dropped calls and busy signals are an annoyance that most could do without. But we’d have a lot more of them if it weren’t for Dr. Erna Hoover. While working at Bell Laboratories, she invented a telephony switching computer program that kept phones functioning under stressful loads.  “I designed the executive program for handling situations when there are too many calls, to keep it operating efficiently without hanging up on itself. Basically it was designed to keep the machine from throwing up its hands and going berserk

  5. Kay McNulty, Marlyn Wescoff, Fran Bilas, Ruth Lichterman, Adele Goldstine (and Betty Snyder), these ladies were the first “computors” working on ENIAC at the University of Pennsylvania’s Moore School of Engineering. Bearing the job title of “computor” the ladies were responsible for making calculations for tables of firing and bombing trajectories, and to determine the correct sequence of steps to complete the calculations for each problem and to set up the ENIAC accordingly. (This, by the way, meant the women maneuvered 3,000 switches and 80 tons of hardware in order to program ENIAC by hand). The need to perform the calculations with greater speed prompted ENIACs development, hence making these flesh-and-blood “computors” obsolete. Adele Goldstine and Betty Jennings were instrumental in programming ENIACs stored program, Goldstine was also responsible for writing ENIAC’s original technical manual. Through their contributions, we gained the first software application and the first programming classes.

If women have been leading the world in science and mathematics for centuries, why would they need men to lead their personal lives?  Or why would they need men to be the exclusive leaders in the home, world of politics, community, business, etc.?   I have observed that women who are raised to depend on men to lead them are not truly happy.   They have been taught to accept these masculine “bullish” traits as normal.    I have also discovered that far too many mothers are still teaching their daughters that their role is to serve their brothers and other men in their lives.  Conversely, many boys are being raised not to do certain things in the home and expect to be served by their mothers and sisters.  They are being trained to use women as objects of utility and abuse them. They are not taught to respect, love, and  serve women unconditionally.

This must stop.  Our community will be better when we acknowledge and accept the natural leadership ability of both men and women. 

When we understand this concept, we will have no problem accepting gender equality is not a choice but a natural design.  It is an empowering principle that propels individuals and communities to a noble attainment–gender justice.

Men, remember, your romantic partner wants you to be a leader, but not OF her but WITH her. That’s invigorating.


Before Gates, Zuckerberg, or Jobs, 6 women programmed the first digital computer



Barrington H. Brennen, MA, NCP, BCCP, is a marriage and family therapist and board certified clinical psychotherapist, USA. Send your questions or comments to question@soencouragement.org  or write to P.O. Box CB-11045, Nassau, The Bahamas, or visit www.soencouragement.org  or call 242-327-1980 or 242-477-4002.






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