Do you peck or really, really kiss? In other words, if
it is pecking you are doing with your partner, then that
means the only thing you are doing is touching each
other’s lips very lightly and quickly and then calling
it a kiss. If this is the case, it may be evident that
your relationship is cold or lack luster. Healthy
couples passionately kiss with both lips touching while
holding each other for several seconds to even minutes.
They enjoy the tender feel of the lips and tongue.
When I was a teenager, I would hear people use the word
“tonguing” to describe a deep, romantic kiss. We did
not know at the time that “Tonguing is a technique used
with wind instruments to enunciate different notes using
the tongue on the reed or woodwind mouthpiece or brass
mouthpiece.” Well, it makes sense when it comes to
kissing.
The word “peck” painfully describes when so-called
lovers act like birds who peck at their foods. We all,
when rushing out, want a quick touch of the sweet parts
of the body. However, my point is if that is all you do
(pecking) then your marriage might be in
trouble.
It is the same when having a “quickie.” A “quickie”
occurs when lovers who are rushing out of the house but
are sexually aroused at the same time want a quick
sexual encounter. “Quickies” can be powerfully sweet,
however, like pecking, if that is all you do (quickies),
then your marriage might be in trouble. You might not
even know it is in trouble because you have settled for
superficiality in your relationship. Or you have become
so preoccupied with other things (job, children,
friends) in your life, you are not even aware that your
own, most important relationship is starving for
romance—a deep, long, passionate kiss.
The lips are two of the sexually sensitive parts of the
human body. On a female’s body the sexually sensitive
areas are the lips, breasts, and the clitoris. On the
male’s body the sexually sensitive areas are the lips
and the head of the penis. In
addition we all know
that a sensual touch from a lover on any part of the
body can be sexually exciting. However, the lips are
one of the most powerful erotic zones of the body. So
why have a casual, quick, insensitive touch.
It is good to know your spouse’s erogenous zones. Some
experts in sexology include the neck and ears as
erogenous zones on woman’s body. They also say on a
male’s body the neck, nipples, and scrotum are also
erogenous zones. The point is, get to know your
partner. Share with your partner what pleases you.
THE PROBLEM
Spouses give several reasons they do not like kissing
their partners, although they really want to kiss. It
could be poor oral hygiene, tooth decay, bad breath,
etc. The sad part about this is that these “bad
breath” partners do nothing to change their bad breath
and eventually cause their partner to pull away
romantically from the relationship. Another reason
some spouses refuse to kiss is because every kiss must
lead to sex. I think if partners truly understand and
value the importance of kissing, things would be
different in most relationships.
KISSING IS SPECIAL
Writer Sylvia Plath wrote: “Kiss me and you will see how
important I am.” This is so true. In the magazine
Psychology Today,
Psychologist, Dr.
Noam Shpancer, writes in his article “What is a kiss?”
the following:
“A
kiss brings us into close physical proximity with the
other, close enough to
smell and
taste them. The face area is rich with glands secreting
chemicals that carry genetic and immunological
information. Our saliva carries hormonal messages. A
person's breath, as well as the taste of their lips and
the feel of their teeth, signals things about their health and
hygiene, and thus their procreative suitability”
Research is telling us that a kiss can tell a lot about
a person. When you kiss your partner, what messages you
want him or her to get about you. Is it a message that
you are caring, sensitive, warm, and romantic? Or is
it message that it is all about you? You just want to
touch the lips and satisfy your urges at the time. In
this case you will be transmitting a message of
indifference, insensitivity, and selfishness.
I think far too many couples have not really understood
the value and meaning of a romantic kiss. In my marital
therapy practice, I’ve discovered that couples who only
have vaginal penetration (clinical sex) and do not kiss,
have serious, seemingly irresolvable marital issues. It
seems as though they “must have sex” and doing so
mechanically calls for little commitment and
connection. However, to deeply kiss and have sex at
the same time calls for heart connection.
KISSING IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH
I
cannot help but share what research has discovered about
kissing. Dr. Shpancer continues in the article on the
latest research about the benefits of kissing. The
findings are amazing. “The role of kissing in improving
the quality of long-term relationships (link is
external) was examined several years ago by the family
communications scholar Kory Floyd and his colleagues at
Arizona State University. The researchers randomly
assigned fifty-two participants (all involved in long
term relationships) into one of two groups and
instructed the members of the experimental group to kiss
more frequently with their partners for a period of six
weeks. Blood tests and questionnaire data collected
before and after showed that members of the experimental
group experienced decreased cholesterol, decreased
stress, and improved quality of relationship. Similarly,
researcher Wendy Hill of Lafayette College in
Pennsylvania found a few years ago that kissing for
fifteen minutes led to a significant decline in the
level of stress hormone cortisol in participants.”
Wow! Grab each other and start kissing right now.
Oops! You need to read further first.
START KISSING TODAY
If you have not kissed your partner in a long time, you
need to make a commitment to start today. Make sure not
to start with the lips—start with the voice. Deep,
spicy, romantic kissing occurs when partners have a
heart connection. This connection happens when partners
talk caringly with each other. Here are my “Ten Steps
to Kissing” I developed in
1994 while living in Michigan, USA and completing my
psychology degree. See my article "Kiss
Me Please"
1. Talk,
talk
2. Talk,
talk
3. Play,
play, and talk
4. Play,
play, and talk
5. Hold
hands and talk
6. Bond
minds
7. Link
shoulders
8. Hold
heads
9. Touch
lips and kiss,
really kiss
10.
STOP
Note carefully the amount of time spent not kissing. If
these steps are done correctly the kissing will be hot,
hot, hot. If kissing is only clinical then it will not
be sweet. Note then that if you have not kissed in
years, you might need some help from a professional
marriage and family therapist to help repair the
relationship. Remember, kissing is one of the
important tools for keeping the relationship happy, hot,
and spicy. Start today.
Barrington H. Brennen, MA, NCP, BCCP, is a marriage and
family therapist and board certified clinical
psychotherapist, USA. Send your questions or comments to barringtonbrennen@gmail.com
or write to P.O. Box CB-13019, Nassau,
The Bahamas, or visitwww.soencouragement.org
or call 242-327-1980 or 242-477-4002.
