Honey, I Appreciate You
By Barrington H. Brennen, July
1, 2011
One of the most important things
spouses can do is to show appreciation every day for each
other. Too many spouses take each other for granted. They
expect the love they have for each other to just last and last
without doing anything. This is false and dangerous. Words
that can help us understand the meaning and importance of
appreciation are gratitude, thankfulness, gratefulness.
Spouses are to find ways for showing every day how much they are
grateful for their partners. No one day should pass without a
spouse showing with words and action how much they love their
partner. When was the last time you said thank you to your
spouse? When was the last time you told your spouse “you look
lovely, baby?” Remember, once is not enough.
ELEMENTS OF APPRECIATION
According to experts there are at
least four elements of appreciation. (1) Acknowledgment:
The first step each of us can take in expressing our
appreciation to our partner is to acknowledge the things he or
she does. Expressing appreciation for the little things
cumulatively builds a rock solid foundation. Receiving
acknowledgment helps each of us grow as individuals, and
sometimes, just survive the daily hassles of hectic schedules,
deadlines, and responsibilities in the various aspects of our
lives. (2) Adoration: Praising each other for the
qualities and attributes that make us special as individuals is
crucial. Taking the time to genuinely let each other know how
much we admire each other’s virtues brings joy to us and
reinforces our continued individual and relationship growth.
(3) Acceptance: Learning to accept each other as we are,
rather than trying to change the other, is a difficult struggle
and adjustment for most couples. Accepting each other as we are
is a vital part of expressing appreciation in a marriage. Over
time we actually appreciate the differences and see the benefits
they bring to us as individuals and as partners. (4)
Affirmation: Letting each other know how important we are
to each other. “Affirmations are important in building and
supporting each other’s sense of self-esteem. Affirming your
spouse is a way of validating who they are. When we affirm each
other, we kindle the depths of the soul of our marriage.”
HOW DO WE AFFIRM EACH OTHER?
Here are a few examples how you
can affirm your spouse. Hold hands in the car when at the stop
light. Wink at each other across a crowded room. Give a love
letter or card on days other than birthdays and anniversaries.
Jump surprisingly in the shower with her, but do not have sex.
Take him a bunch of hibiscus flowers you picked from your
garden. Rush out to give your wife a cool glass of water while
she is cutting the grass with the lawn mower. Say “good morning
honey” to your spouse. Tell your spouse “thank you for that
wonderful sexual experience last night.” Drive each other to
work occasionally. Eat lunch together regularly. Cuddle each
other in the living room without sex on the agenda. Go on a date
every week. Gossip about your spouse to your friends as often
as possible. Have a photo of your spouse on your desk at work
or in your wallet.
HAPPY COUPLES LIVE LONGER
The latest research tells us that
happy couples live longer and have healthier lives. According
to psychologist, Dr. Brent J. Atkinson, in his article
Emotion Intelligence “Evidence suggests that those who
succeed in their marriages will live an average of four years
longer than those who don‘t (Gottman & Silver, 1999). They will
have an average of 35% less illness, have healthier immune
systems, will be substantially less likely to become violent,
homicidal, or suicidal, and less likely to experience an
emotional or mental disorder. They will have a lower risk of
being involved in automobile accidents. The children of those
who succeed in their marriages will have fewer health problems,
better academic performance, more social competence, less
depression, less problems with social contact, more ability to
regulate their emotions, lower heart rate physiological
reactivity when experiencing negative emotions, and lower
quantities of stress-related hormones circulating in their
bodies.”
Do all you can to keep your
marriage healthy and happy.
Barrington Brennen is a marriage and family therapist. Send your
questions to
question@soencouragment.org
or call 242-327-1980 or visit
www.soencouragement.org