Do you think you could improve our record in the coming year?
Your Loving Husband."
- HER LETTER
A few days later the wife gave the following response:
"To My Darling Husband: I am quite aware that you
attempted to seduce me 365 times last year (and the score of twelve times is
probably right). But being a fair and broad-minded husband, I am sure you will
read and consider some of my complaints also. To begin with, those excuses I
have were meant to inspire you, not necessarily to stop you. Letís consider
your first reason for my repulsing you: "Weíll wake up the
children." My, you sure have changed. When we first married and we lived
at my parentsí home, we sometimes did not use the davenport because we were
afraid of awaking my parents--but you didnít take "NO" for an
answer then--you suggested we go for a ride or use pillows on the floor.
Whatís the problem now? We still have a car and pillows.
Second reason: "Itís too cold." Remember in our early marriage,
during sub-zero nights in your convertible with cold leather seats? Why you
even offered to lay your coat on the seat for me, and NOW you accept "too
hot or too cold" as excuses.
All the other excuses are only superficial, except the one
I believe you really underrated: "Not in the mood." During our first
several years, youíd spent hours and even days just getting me in the
"mood." But now you just pat my "cheeks" and say,
"How about a little tonight?" WHAT ELSE DO YOU EXPECT, BUT AN
EXCUSE? When we were dating, you came to see me all shined up, clean shaven,
and you spent money to entertain me. Now we stay home, you seldom bathe, and
expect me to accept love from a cactus bed.
Yes, honey, I think we can improve our score this year if
we both spend more time thinking about each other and what we do for each
other rather than what we can get from each other. If you will spend the time
it took to prepare your report, and spend that time combing my hair, or
bathing with me (like you used to do when we first married), you will see that
I still remember where to hide the soap and hang the wash rag. Hopefully, Your
- EXAMINE YOUR MARRIAGE
Do these letters strike a familiar cord in your relationship? Do you want
to rekindle the fire in your relationship? Maybe you can start by being
honest with yourself and your spouse. Like this couple, sit down in a quiet
place and meditatively write a similar letter to your spouse. Sometimes,
writing letters can help open doors for healthy, productive discussions,
even between husband and wife.
There are many reasons why couples lose the sexual fire in
their relationship. Some men and women go about courtship and dating like they
would of a special project they enjoy. When the project is completed (that is
when they get married), they go on to other projects: Building a house,
establishing a career, playing with the boys, mixing with the girls. In other
words, the roses, sweet words, gentleness, are a normal part of the relationship
before the marriage, but not after they say "I do." They take for
granted the love they have for each other.
Believe it or not, some couples only have sex when they want
to have children. Usually this is when one of the spouses believe that sex is
only for procreation, or deep down inside he or she believes that sex is dirty,
or one partner is only using marriage as a cover-up for her sexual orientation
(homosexuality). Interestingly, in my years of counseling, Iíve discovered
that many of these individuals grew up in strong religious homes with rigid
rules. Also, many of these homes considered sex-talk a taboo, and public
expression of affection was distasteful.
Many women lose interest in sex because of hormonal
imbalances, such as low levels of estrogen or even thyroxin. This is a
biological problem, not an emotional one. However, the side effects can be
emotional and psychological. Sometimes these hormonal problems make it difficult
or impossible to conceive. Some individuals who cannot conceive do not feel like
whole persons. This kind of mentality can affect one's sexual drive. Some wives
are treated with disdain by husbands and other family members if they cannot
bare a child. To other individuals, giving birth to that dream child matters
more than keeping a spouse sexually happy.
Dear friend, as I mentioned earlier, you must be honest with
yourself and your spouse. Both you and your wife should get thorough medical
examinations to ascertain whether any hormonal imbalances or physical problems
are contributing to the low sexual drive. Another option is to review the family
background and philosophical ideologies of your spouse toward sex. These may
also contribute to the dull sexual moments. You may need to get professional
help from a psychotherapist to help you both through this dilemma.
- REASONS FOR SEXUAL FRIGIDITY
- Other reasons for sexual frigidity are: sexual abuse during childhood
(which could include incest), adult sexual trauma, negative parental
attitude toward sex, unresolved or mishandled conflicts and tension in the
relationship, poor communication, lost of a loved one, lost of a career or
job, partnerís poor hygiene, partnerís avoidance or minimization of a
spouse's intimate needs, misunderstanding of sexual arousal messages and
functions, and comparing or keeping an eye on the partnerís sexual
performance, just to name a few. Couples can work through all of these
challenges, if they are open and honest with themselves and each other.
There is a practical Biblical principle that sets the
foundation for healing sexual frigidity in a relationship. "Let the husband
fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The
wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband; and likewise
also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
(1 Corinthians 7:3-4). As Chuck Swindoll puts it, " the picture here is one
of total unselfishness, two persons actively engaged in fulfilling his/her duty
. . . to the partner. A proper understanding of this will begin to heal the
wounds of sexual frigidity.
- ENHANCE SEXUAL INTIMACY
- To further enhance sexual intimacy, it is important to
- (1) separate sexuality from sensuality,
- (2) protect physical intimacy from anxiety and
- (3) communicate clearly your sensual or sexual
desires. (Markman, Stanley, Blumberg, 1994).
Sexuality would include sexual intercourse and all pleasurable acts and
thoughts that may come before or after. Sensuality would be a pleasant
experience that involves touching, seeing, smelling, or feeling; for
example, walking on the beach, the chocolate smell or your partner after a
shower, etc. Chocolate? You get the idea.
After you would have honestly discussed the matter and have
the willingness to work things out, then it is time to move sex from out of the
bedroom and into the living room. By that I mean add a little novelty to your
love relationship. Too many couples are only affectionate behind closed doors.
Let the sun shine through your relationship. The living room is a good place to
start warming up the hearts for bedroom action. The kitchen also has great
potential. In other words as Gloria Pitzer said: "Marriage is made in
heaven, but a lot of work must be done down here on earth."
Dear husband, be gentle, loving, patient, and tender toward your wife. Listen
to her and try to understand her world, her feelings her needs. Remember that
lovemaking is not a single event. It is an experience, a developmental process
that can last a lifetime.