Is there enough
oxytocin in your blood?
If not, you need to
h
ug your spouse/lover/partner a little longer.
Yes, that will do it. What am I talking about? Oxytocin, also called the “bonding hormone,” is
a very important feel-good hormone in the
body. Research indicates that (1) it “inspires
the feeling of meaningful connection with
others;” (2) it is “also linked to reducing
blood pressure and the risk of heart disease.”
Some refer to it as the “happy hormone.”
Research has
discovered that there is something magical to
having long hugs. They have figured out that
Oxytocin is released when we hug for at least 20
seconds. A short, quick hug, like those at the
church door, will not produce Oxytocin. Perhaps
that’s good. We do not want to be bonded to the
wrong people. Another lesson is that we need to
avoid having long hugs with individuals with
whom we are not connected or those with whom we
should not be romantically connected.
If you feel your
marriage is falling apart or things are not too
exciting in your relationship, then hold your
partner in a full-body hug and stay there for 20
seconds. Your partner may not be expecting it,
so do not hope for anything in return the first
or second time. Just keep on doing it. Do not
criticize your partner for not responding or if
his or her hands are hanging down as you hold on
for 20 seconds. Just keep on doing it. You will
soon see the difference. Make sure the hugs
are full-body or very close. However, do not
massage body parts while hugging. Do not do
anything to intimidate the partner. Just hold
gently and firmly for 20 seconds. If the
unsuspecting partner asks: “What are you doing?”
just respond by saying: “I just want to hug you
a little longer today.” Remember it is 20
seconds. Even if you have to practice before
with a doll or timer, do it. Keep on doing it.
PROTECTION
Oxytocin is
released by the pituitary gland especially
during orgasm and childbirth and is known to
affect our behavior. As stated early, it is
also released when hugging for a long time and
according the Journal of Neuroscience, by
holding hands, and tender touching. A research
was done in Germany that made a startling
discovery. Oxytocin can protect your marriage.
Let me share a quote from the research. “The
research team singled out the most attractive
female among them to approach their male
subjects. Each of the 57 men had been
administered either Oxytocin or a placebo via
nasal spray prior to the encounter.
The
attractive researcher would stand about 24
inches away from the subjects, and then move
toward and away from them. The men were asked to
determine when the attractive researcher was at
an "ideal distance" and when she got too close,
making them feel "slightly uncomfortable." The
men confirmed after the experiment was completed
that the attractive researcher was, in fact,
attractive.” Note carefully the results of the
research. “Unexpectedly, the men who had
received Oxytocin and who were also in
monogamous relationships preferred keeping a
significantly greater distance between
themselves and the temptress researcher -- the
hormone promoted bonding with their significant
other, not the stranger. They stayed an average
of 4 to 6 inches further back than
Oxytocin-induced
singletons or anyone from the placebo group.”
The research
conclusion was: “Oxytocin promotes monogamy by
preventing men from "signaling romantic
interest" to other women.” What is the lesson?
Keep touching and hugging. Make time to walk
outdoors while holding hands. Hug daily.
NEW HABITS TO START TODAY
Hugs:
Before you leave home in the morning to go to
work, make sure you have produced enough
Oxytocin in your blood to reduce the risk of you
flirting or to keep away from flirtatious
persons. Hug for 20 seconds at least once every
day, preferably when you first see each other
standing on your feet in the morning. This is
one habit you do not want to forget. You will
have to repeat this twenty-one times before it
becomes a habit. That’s why you need to find a
way of reminding yourself each morning for 21
days. Set an alarm. Ask someone to call you to
remind you. Stick a note on the mirror.
Whatever, you do, do not stop. After you would
have bonded and gotten comfortable, you can even
make the hugging fun and creative. Make it a
habit.
Compliments:
Here is another habit to start today. Each
evening, just before winding down to go to
sleep, give a positive compliment to your
partner. Make the compliment relevant to that
day so you will not run out of things to say
every day. For example: “That corn bread was
delicious honey.” “Your blue suit made you look
special today.” “Your smile this morning turned
me on.” Make this a daily habit. I can tell
you with the touching and the hugging, the
Oxytocin should remain high.
Kisses:
The
final habit I want to share in the article is
the ten-second kiss. I have talked about this
in previous articles. Research indicates that
healthy couples kiss for at least ten seconds
every day. This is not the cheek or forehead
kiss. This is the deep romantic kissing. Now
this will certainly pour out the Oxytocin.
Too many
relationships are unexciting not because of
arguments but because of insufficient level of
Oxytocin in the blood. The persons involved in
the relationships are not doing the right things
every day to produce that wonderful bonding
hormone. Stop the arguments for one week and
start hugging, hold hands, compliment and kiss.
Husband, your wife is expecting you to reach
home today cranky and critical. Surprise her
and hug her for 20 seconds. It will make a
difference. Hopefully within 21 days your
crankiness will go away.
Barrington H.
Brennen is a marriage and family therapist.
Send your questions or comments to barringtonbrennen@gmail.com or
write to P.O. Box CB-11045, Nassau, The Bahamas,
or visit www.soencouragement.org or
call 242-327-1980 or 242-477-4002