Why
should we beat our children? Does the Bible really teach that
parents are to “beat” their children? Does “spare the rod,
spoil the child (Proverbs
13:24)” really mean that we should indiscriminately whip
our children into a frenzy? Does it mean that parents are
required to physically punish their disobedient children
routinely with a belt, a stick, or a pad? I have observed in
The Bahamas and in the Caribbean islands I’ve visited and where
I or other health professionals have conducted parenting
seminars, when we present the subject of physical punishment,
parents cannot objectively discuss it. Their minds are fixated
on “what they have been taught or experienced,” or “what works
for them.” These parents cannot free the minds of
dysfunctional traditions to evaluate objectively and rationally
their relevancy in the current environment. Thus we have a
locked-in or emotionally crippled society where the chains of
unreasonable traditions severely restrict intellectual,
spiritual, social, and emotional growth. No wonder violence is
running loose like an enraged dog who escaped from his cage!
So much
violence exists in our society because too many parents are
violent themselves. Children emulate parental behavior.
Research tell us that when the only response or the very first
response to disobedient behavior is always, “let me get that
stick,” the chances of producing violent children is greater
than for those who use reason and minimal physical punishment.
The
Bahamas is one of the nations in the region where parents are
holding on rigidly to traditional forms of punishment believing
it is scriptural or effective. Teenage rebellion, teenage
pregnancy, and pre-adolescence violence are higher than it has
ever been in spite of all the beating that is administered. So
why still beat? We need to review our strategies. I believe
that one reason so many still use “beating” as a form of
punishment is because it is easy to apply and requires very
little thinking and behavior modification skill. Parents who
only resort to physical punishment do not engage reason to
transform undesirable behavior. Thus, punishment has limited or
no long-term redemptive value.
“DAD,
IT’S NOT WORKING”
I have
great difficulty reasoning with parents who prefer to stick to
the “good old days” of harsh, unreasonable methods of
punishment. Even when it is steering them right in the face
that the physical punishment is not working, their only response
is “perhaps I am not beating hard or long enough.” They still
continue, even when their own teenage child is telling them:
“Dad, that’s not working.” It is as though these parents have
lost all ability to reason. I am often surprised when I hear
even highly educated people defend “violent” behavior as a
healthy form of child discipline because “nothing bad happened
to them.’ This is when tradition takes precedence over
reason. This is when a society moves from personal discipline
and becomes chaotic.
DISCIPLINE AND PUNISHMENT
As I have
written in previous articles, many parents do not understand the
difference between punishment and discipline, and they do not
want to be taught anything about it. Although some form of
punishment is needed when raising children, parents must be
aware that no punishment is effective without discipline and
reason. What is discipline? Discipline is teaching and modeling
moral values. Discipline is an attitude. Discipline is
self-control. Discipline is intrinsic or internal. Discipline
is establishing and maintaining a well-structured home
environment with sensible rules and guidelines to govern one’s
behavior. For example, there are set bed and meal times. On the
other hand, punishment is extrinsic—only external. If a
parent beats a child for stealing cookies, but there is no bed
time and the child has not been taught explicitly that stealing
is wrong, then most likely there is no discipline in the home.
NO
BEATING LAWS ARE NEEDED
Many
argue ignorantly that the social problems in the United States
exist because corporal punishment is illegal. This is not
true. Although there has been some opposition
to corporal punishment in the United States, the spanking of
children is still legal in all states. The law prohibits some
kinds of physically punishment that could be forms of abuse. In
other words that law prohibits “beating.”
Socially, there is nothing positive about the
word “beat.” The dictionary defines “beat” as “to strike
forcefully and repeatedly” or “to hit (a person or animal)
repeatedly so as to cause painful injury.” Globally, world
social leaders are very much concerned about child abuse and the
severer use of corporal punishment—beating. The Bahamas is one
of the countries where a significant part of the population is
stubbornly holding on to the negative traditions of corporal
punishment. Ironically, The Bahamas is one of the countries
where the number of dysfunctional families is growing daily and
violence seems to go on unabated. If “beating” has been so
effective over the past years, why hasn’t the violent behavior
been averted?
UNDERSTANDING SCRIPTURE CORRECTLY
From a theological perspective, genuine
Christians—those who are fully guided by the Holy Spirit—
understand that Jesus’ approach to disobedience is not harsh and
crude. He is firm and redemptive. “Love is patient and
kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does
not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no
record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but
rejoices whenever the truth wins out.” (1
Corinthians 13:4-6). “Fathers, do not provoke your
children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them
up with the discipline and instruction that comes from
the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4). Wise parents use these Bible texts
to balance the one found is Proverbs 13: 24 “He that spareth his
rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him
betimes.” The New Living Translations translates it this way:
“Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children.
Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.”
If
parents focus on the word ‘rod’ to mean the belt or a piece of
wood, then it would be difficult understand the true meaning of
Proverbs 22:6: “Direct your children onto the right path, and
when they are older, they will not leave it.” The text does
not say “beat your children.” The word used is about an
instructional process. It is a process of teaching and
learning. Why so many parents resort to beating is because they
are too lazy to teach. No wonder a child psychologist, Dr.
James Dobson, entitled one of his books: “Parenting isn’t for
Cowards.” The word “rob’ in Proverbs 13:24 comes from the
Hebrew word which means “sceptre” (shebet). This is an
instrument monarch uses for something positive. In addition
the text uses the definite article ‘the’ in front of the word
rod.
Sociologist, John Rosemond, in his article “Parenting by the
Book” speaks to this point. He states that “In every case,
when the word rod (in Proverbs) is used with reference to
the training or disciplining of children, it is preceded by
the article “the”, connoting that the usage is metaphorical.
To understand it otherwise results in irreconcilable
confusion.” Proverbs 14:24 does not use the article “a”
with the word rod. Rosemond explains: “On the other hand,
“a” rod is always with reference to a concrete object—a
straight stick that might have been used as a tool of
measurement (1Sa 17:7, Rev. 21:16), a symbol of authority
(Is. 14:5), or a staff used in herding sheep (Lev. 27:32).
Isn’t it painful and humbling to acknowledge that for
centuries we have built our beliefs and practices on a gross
misinterpretation of Scripture and by so doing, messed up
society!
Unfortunately our greatest challenge with overcoming the
“beating syndrome” in The Bahamas is predominantly found among
people of religious faith. Until those who claim to be God’s
people allow Him to permeate their minds, our country will
remain violent. Church leaders wake up and preach about a
loving, redeeming Jesus.
Barrington Brennen is a marriage and family therapist. Send your
questions to
question@soencouragment.org
or call 242-327-1980 or visit
www.soencouragement.org
