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When Loving You Is Destroying
Me
On Valentine’s day, while thousands
share their love in flowers, perfume, chocolate, kisses and hugs, there are many
who are troubled, confused, miserable, and angry. Just a few weeks ago, I met
one of my college classmates, who in 1996, wrote a book entitled "When
Loving You Is Destroying Me." Jamaican born, Dr. Alanzo Smith is a pastor,
marriage and family therapist and a divorce mediation specialist. His book
captivated me and gave me the idea for the title of this annual Valentine’s
article. Although Dr. Smith’s book deals with an understanding of divorce and
separation, I thought this title spoke directly to the pain in many
relationships.
Since then, I’ve been writing my annual
Valentine article that encourages lovers and talks about ways of keeping the
fires of love in your relationship. This article is not about how to love,
instead, it is about those persons who are in pain and who dread the thought of
Valentine’s day.
- FALSE CONCEPT
I’ve discovered that when couples
engage in pre-marital sex out of intense passion and desire, when they get
married this passion turns to unexpected routine and boredom and their
relationship becomes destructive. I have also observed that when church leaders
teach that one must stick with an unlovable person, we have unhappy, miserable
married Christians. Dr. Smith cites theologian W. J Harrington with the view
that "no written or oral legal code, no document, no piece of paper, no
custom, no ceasing of cohabitation between marriage partners, not even the loss
of love can possible break a "one-fleshedness." Harrington contends
that Christian love must continue faithful even if rejected, even if deserted,
even if unrequited. In other words, "even if love you is destroying
me" I should keep on loving you." This is a painful view of love and
marriage. God never intended marriage to be a destroying agent of a personal
life. It was never God’s idea for the church to be an instigator of pain,
forcing couples to remain together even if it is life threatening. Dr. Smith
refers to this concept in his book as extreme legalism.
This Valentine should remind us that love
means responsible freedom, not slavery. I am no way in support of no-fault or
frivolous divorce. I am dealing with individuals who feel trapped in
life-threatening relationships and cannot find a way out. Valentine’s day is
not a happy occasion for those individuals. One need not be in a physically
abusive relationship to be in a life-threatening one. Being treated like a
child, belittled, called derogative names, can eventually cause life-threatening
illnesses or circumstances. Also, infidelity is a definite destroyer of
marriages. It is not always because of the affair itself, but because of the
denial, cover-up, and mere manipulation of the guilty spouse, even in the face
of visible evidence. Spouses who have affairs are deceptive and conniving.
Nothing destroys a spouse more than when they know that the other spouse is
lying.
- ENCOURAGEMENT TO MOVE ON
I want to encourage those who feel that
their marriages are really destroying them.
- Know that you can change your mind.
That’s the true meaning of love.
- Believe in yourself. Do not let your
spouse’s systematic belittling rob you of a positive self-concept.
- Seek professional help. A trained
therapist can help you and/or a willing spouse to find individual and/or
couple healing.
- Be truthful with yourself and others.
Do not rob yourself of personal growth and development by lying to yourself
about your pain and misery.
- Talk to friends who have a balanced
understanding of love and marriage, and who value you as a person and allow
you to think for yourself.
- Do not jump out of one painful
relationship into another. If you do have grounds to move on with your life,
take the time to heal before getting emotionally entangled in another
relationship. If you do not take the time to heal, you will get hurt again.
- Do not hastily decide to end the
relationship before seeking professional help. However, physically remaining
with your lover might be not practical. Separation might be necessary.
Seeking counseling for both partners first, though separated, may reduce the
risk of painful guilt and further frustration.
- Pray. Learn more about the True Lover,
Jesus, who always heals.
Remember, dear reader,
love does not hurt. It heals. Love does not destroy. It builds.
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