Stupid Thing No. 1:
Failure to start preparing your
child for adulthood twenty years before they are born.
Parents must realize that the raising the child begins
before he or she is conceived. It my beliefthat the
philosophies of life, lifestyle, beliefs, habits, thoughts,
mannerisms, mode of expression, and behavior that one has
before having children will definitely impact the way the
parent treats the child. Also the child will model
what they see and perceive from their parents.
Hence, making sure that your lifestyle is positive before
having children and that the lifestyle has been riveted in
the genes long before becoming parents is most important.
Further, when a parent is raising his or her child he is
actually raising his or her grandchild. If we ignore
the power of personal development and its impact on the
offspring, there is a greater risk of raising delinquent
children and grandchildren
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Barrington H.
Brennen |
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Stupid Thing No. 2:
Not providing a peaceful
environment before the child comes out of the womb. It
is imperative that parents/family (not only the pregnant
mother) provide an environment of peace and harmony during
pregnancy. Psychologist in the book “Life Before Birth”
says that loud, unexpected noises can shock your baby. If
you feel a strong kick, your baby is probably trying to tell
you to stop, not trying out a new dance move.” Experts
also say the unborn babies and recognize voice. “Not only
will your baby recognize your voice, he will recognize his
father's voice, too, especially if Dad can rest his head on
your belly and talk to his baby. After the birth, your baby
should be able to recognize the voices of both of his
parents. Nothing is more exciting than having your newborn
baby seek you out just from hearing your voice and knowing
that you are all bonding” (Life Before Birth). In the
online article “How a Parent’s Thoughts Shape Their Unborn
Child’s Life” it states that “recent studies prove that 6
months into a pregnancy, the fetus is already aware,
reacting and emotionally active. At 6 months, the unborn
child can see, hear, experience, taste, feel and even
learn.” It further states that “On some level, what the
pregnant mother feels emotionally is transferred directly to
her unborn child. Because of this, constant negative
emotions can have a damaging affect on the fetus.
The
fetus absorbs negative emotions like anger, stress or
frustration. Feelings most adults experience throughout
their stressful days. However, the most harm is done when a
mother doesn’t want the child. These and other negative
emotions shape the baby’s personality.” It is my view that
one way of reducing the risk that your child will become
violent is making sure that during pregnancy the environment
is happy and peaceful. It is also important that the
mother emotionally calm, happy and radiant.
Stupid Thing No 3:
Not setting boundaries from birth.
Children thrive best in a structured, well-ordered
environment. This may include set times to eat, sleep,
play; how and when to talk, guidelines for interaction with
others, language usage, emotional expression, where to place
things, etc. A great advantage of structure is that it also
provides “structure” for the parents. Parents also need
plenty of rest, good nutrition and peace of mind to be an
effective parent and to respond wisely and not harshly to
perceived disobedience from the children. Structure builds
discipline, independence, and self-control in children and
thus adulthood. If the child decides on his own when to eat
and sleep their can be confusion, over work, and major
conflict in the home. Home without structure will most
likly produce delinquent and/or violent, rude, and
disrespectful citizens.
Stupid Thing No. 4:
Not letting
your children see you reading the newspaper and the Bible.
Intellectual and spiritual growth in children is very
important. Understanding the children learn best by
observing what other’s do, it is imperative that if parents
want their children to have an interest in reading they must
see their parents reading. Children, especially the little
one, will show interest to read what the she their parents
reading. This is why a balanced approach to reading is
important. Children can learn from very you that civics and
religious growth are key components in life. If the parent
reads both the Bible and the newspaper the child will
understand that there is more to life than just John 3:16.
They will learn will reading the newspaper how to apply that
principle and how to relate to a real world in a Christ-like
way. Note carefully that reading builds a person. Lack
of television viewing will not hinder intellectual or
emotional growth in a child. Certainly, lack of reading can
and will prevent proper intellectual and even physical
growth in a child. Parents, avoid purchasing a television
if you have not purchased a book for your child. It does
not matter is the book in hardcopy or on a Kindle. They are
both effective. You may regret purchasing a television but
you will never regret purchasing books.
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Stupid Thing No. 5:
“I can’t
wait for you to bring home some grandchildren.” Now
this one is ridiculous. I mentioned this because I have
actually heard parent say this to their infants in the arms
or to the energetic toddlers running around the house.
“What in the world is that all about?” the little child
might be asking. The danger of this statement being said to
dependent children is that it introduces a subject that the
child is not equipped psychically, emotional or
intellectually to understand. Another point is that the
parent or significant other making the statement is thinking
of the little one as a progenitor or sex provider before he
or she is a matured, well-adjusted individual. The subtle
message is “if you can make babies then you are okay.”
There much more to life than making babies. This is one
stupid this that truly distorting the minds of our young
people today.
Stupid Thing No. 6:
Going to sleep
before your children go to bed.
There is a principle I live by and that is to never go sleep
at nights before your children do. This is a big stupid
thing parent do to mess of their children’s live especially
if it is done with pre-teens. Parents should either go to
sleep the same time or after their children go to bed.
Noting first that children learn best by observation, many
parents set a poor example for their children either by
going to beg long before they do or by going to bed for too
late at night. One of the best gifts a parent can give a
child is that of discipline. Bedtime discipline is a
life-long gift the child will unwrap throughout his or her
life. Also, most parents are not aware what takes place
after they would have gone to sleep. They instruct their
little ones to go to bed but do not follow through to make
sure they have gone to bed. When children realize that they
have this open-ended freedom in their own homes after dark
they can become disobedient, disrespectful, and even
confused. Parents must realize that for children (age 3 to
19) to have optimum health they need between 9.2 to 16 hours
of sleep a day. Parents are to provide the discipline
environment to ensure that his happens. Therefore, there
should be set times to go to bed for each age group. Here
are my suggested times to go to bed: Ages 0 to 3:
21-14 hours of sleep a day. Bed time at 6 p.m..
Ages 4
to 10: 14-12 hours of sleep each night. Bedtime at 7
p.m. Ages 11 to 18: 10 to 12 hours. Bedtime at
7:30 p.m. or 8 p.m. Remember only adults can live
healthily with eight hours of sleep each night. Secondly,
everyone needs at least four to five continuous hours of
sleep each night for optimum health.
Stupid Thing
No. 7:
Not creating a
schedule of chores for everyone in the house.
As mentioned in Stupid Thing No 3: “Not setting boundaries
from birth”, children thrive best when there is structure in
the home. How can children develop a spirit of cooperation,
accountability, reliability, and industriousness if parent
do not “require” them to participate in household chores.
Children are to take part in making sure the environment
they are living in is well managed. The best time to start
this is from the early years. Even a one-year-old child can
learn how to hold a brown and sweep (although they cannot do
it perfectly). Neglecting to include the children in
taking care of the home can develop laziness,
irresponsibility, and a spirit of entitlement.
On the other
hand, children are not to be used as slaves--doing all the
work while the parents sleep or do nothing. Children learn
best by observing what others do. What chores should the
children participate in? This might depend on the kind of
chore and age of the child. However, with a little
creativity, most chores can include children of all ages.
For example, a parent can include a one-year-old in washing
the dishes by having the child assist the parent. Even if
the child cannot wash or scrub the child can be asked to
hold or move something or just play in the water. This will
be the beginning of learning that all activities/chores in
the home are the responsibility of everyone.
Before
assigning chores parents should first make a list of all
household chores. Note that the cleaning of the
child’s bedroom is not to be on the list. The child
should be taught that making up of his or her bed and
cleaning of the bedroom is one of his or her daily
responsibilities. However, for little children, the
parents would need to take the time to teach the child what
to do and to assist the child for a few years. Include
on the list of chores all areas of the home that are used by
everyone. This may include the kitchen (which can be
divided into different tasks like washing the dishes,
dumping the trash, and general cleaning), family
room, living room, general bathroom, garage, porch, back and
front yard, utility, storage area, etc. Persons
can be assigned to clean each area on a week, a day or few
days. Note again that although parents are the overall
supervisors, their names must also be on the list.
They must participate.
Stupid Thing
No. 8:
Not
respecting your children’s right to be stupid at times.
When parents are too rigid, cold, and do not engage in
fun-time activities with their children are losing an
opportunity to teach their children how to balance life with
work and pleasure and how to value the ability to laugh,
forgive, and share. Children are not full of wisdom and
would often do things that make no sense to the parents.
This is not referring to outright rebellion and disobedience
but about the childish things children may do that parents
often cannot understand. Parents are to allow a little room
for these “stupid things” but with guarded reasoning and
supervision. For example, while eating lunch the child
might mix the peas and rice with the drink. This is not a
moment to punish the child but to teach the child why he
should not do that. This brings me to the next stupid
thing parents do to mess of their children’s lives-–
“Forgetting that you were once a teenager.”
Stupid Thing
No. 9:
Forgetting
that you were once a teenager.
One of the greatest gifts a parent can give a teenage child
is for the parent to always remember that he was once a
teenager. He was once energetic, adventurous, bold, daring
and sometime stupid. One parent told me that remembering
this keeps her sanity in place. Remembering what you were
when you were a teenager can help you be kinder and exhibit
more grace. It can also help the parent to be more
understanding and forgiving. I think parents forget that by
nature teenagers are impulsive although not irrational.
Teenagers are creative and daring. There is something good
about these attributes. When parents remember what they
learned from their own “stupid” behaviors they should become
more loving and understanding parents. This does not
suggest that parents should not maintain standards and
principles of lifestyle in governing the home. However, it
should eliminate or at least reduce rigidity and
inflexibility with in the home thus creating an environment
of happiness and a safe place to share and grow.
Stupid Thing
No. 10:
Not spending
enough time having fun with your children.
Another great gift a parent can give a child is that of
spending time having fun and laughing with them. If
children only see their parents as disciplinarians or
“police officers,” they will have difficulty becoming
emotionally healthy and may develop a rigid, cold, and
indifferent personality. Also, having fun with children is
what creates bonding. Too many parents have little or no
connections with their children. When these same children
become adults they might find it difficult connecting or
closely bonding with their friends or mates
Stupid Thing
No. 11:
Not
letting your children see you kiss.
To raise healthy children sexually and emotionally it is
imperative for parents not only to model positive behaviors
such are good anger management, proper conflict resolution,
kindness, etc., but to let their children see them sharing
romantically, kissing and hugging gently. I know some
parents are shy or reluctant to do this. But their doing
more harm than good by being so reserved. Children feel
emotionally secured, bonded and happy when they know their
parents are happy and loving to each other. This emotional
wellness starts when they see their parents hugging,
kissing, holding each other and even holding hands while
waking in the shopping center. The first person your child
should see kissing should be you, the parent, and not a
stranger. The first hug the child experience should come
from the parent and not from a friend or a stranger. On the
other hand, parents should avoid extreme. You child should
not see you making love and having long, deep, passionate
kisses. There should be a healthy introduction of romance
and avoid extreme exposure. Parents should not expose
their children to actual sexual encounters that are reserved
for the privacy of the bedroom. This can distort emotional
development. Research tells us that children exposed too
early to sexual activities may become promiscuous or begin
experimenting with sexual activities too early. It is
healthy for your child to see you embrace and have a kiss in
small dosages, but caressing and fondling in front of your
children many not be wise. Note that while a healthy
display of public affection is good for the parents it is
also good for the children—the observers.
Stupid Thing
No. 12:
Not
letting your children see you settle simple differences
effectively.
This is another example about modeling good behavior in
front of your children. If the child hears harsh, cold
language between mom and dad, then that will be the behavior
when the child becomes an adult. If the child witnesses
calms, non-conflicting language and actions, the risk of the
child being violent is much less. The very first school of
conflict management is in the home where the child observes
how mom and dad handle simple differences or minor
conflicts. When I meet a “rough,” “harsh,” “loud,”
“boisterous” person who feels that his or her behavior is
okay I am not surprise by their answer to the following
question: “Were you parents loud, rough and boisterous when
you were growing up?” The answer is always yes. Some
would say they do not know any other way to behave or to
talk. These individuals often get in trouble in their
romantic relationships. They have to go through painful,
but rewarding processing of learning new ways of talking,
sharing and relating.
Too many
parents have ruined their children’s lives by not being
gentle, not model good conflict management skills, or
avoiding managing conflicts effectively in front of their
children. Many years ago I heard this anecdote that will
illustrate the point. I share this story in my seminars. A
boy grew up in a home where he saw he mom and dad handle
conflict in a very strange when. Whenever his mom and dad
felt that their discussion in front of their child was about
to get into angry outbursts, they would go into the bedroom
and close the door to complete the “fight.” This is how
they handled their conflicts. One week after the son’s
wedding day he was having an argument with his wife. Then
he remembered what his mom and dad did when they were having
a “fight.” He took his wife hand and went into the bedroom
and closed the door. There he stood speechless, not knowing
what to do. He never saw or heard what took place behind
the door. His parents missed the opportunity of modeling
before their son how they handled minor conflicts so he
would know what to do when he was in similar situations.
Stupid Thing
No. 13:
Letting
Grammy rule your house.
This is one of the most stupid things a parent can do.
While grandparents are important and we can learn from their
knowledge and experience, too often parents refuse to set
their own rules and guidelines for their children. A big
mistake parents make is giving-in to their parents’ rules or
methods of parenting instead of creating their own. The
truth is if parents raise their children effectively they
would not need to interfere in raising their grandchildren.
Yes, we thank God for grandparents who have to fill in the
gaps when adult children are missing or delinquent in being
effective parents. On the other hand, when parents allow
the grandparents to have more power in governing their home
it causes confusion, disrespect and even delinquent or
disobedient behavior. In principal, grandparents should
avoid micro managing the homes of their children because it
is not healthy.
In 2002 I wrote
in an article entitled “Grammy’s Tired To” the following:
“Parents are the primary providers, nurturers, and educators
of their children. All other individuals, including grand
parents, are only to provide emotional support for this
growing family. Supporters only give assistance when
requested. They watch silently from the side lines, giving
encouraging words. When silent support turns into
instruction and advice, confusion sets in. In other words,
if Grammy’s baby sitting rules are different from mom’s and
dad’s, the little children will become confused, miserable,
and sometime angry. If grand father or grand mother acts as
if their years of experience and knowledge as parents are
superior to that of their own adult children, this will be
reflected each time instruction or discipline is needed.
Often the parents would give one instruction and the grand
parent another, causing great confusion in the mind of the
little child.”
Stupid Thing No. 14:
Telling someone in the presence of your unruly teenager:
“He is sixteen, I cannot tell him what to do.” If you
really want to lose management of your children, especially
those who are difficult to control, then all you have to do
is tell them you cannot handle them anymore. Losing
control causes desperate actions for too many parents and it
is the actions or attitude of the parent that causing more
pain than the actions of the unruly teenager. Dear parent
who is struggling with a defiant, unruly, or disrespectful
child, never put your guard down. Never let your child
believe that you are weaker than he or she is. The fact is
just being a parent puts you in a position of authority and
strength. If you feel that you “cannot tell him what to do”
any more, you have given your child authority that he should
not have or cannot handle yet. You have also weakened your
position as a parent and can no longer discipline your
child. Another point is that this statement might be
indicative how you feel about parenting or a lack of
parenting skills. Parenting teens require great
intelligence, patience, creative thinking, and lots of other
skills. Seek help by reading books, attending a seminar or
seeking counseling.
Stupid Thing No. 15:
Telling your children: “When you get eighteen you will be
free to do what you want to do?” Now this is really a
stupid thing to say. When parents say this they are
actually setting up their children to think that when they
turn eighteen it is the time when total, unrestricted
freedom and autonomy begins, even if they are not ready for
it. Oh, but they think they are ready.
This
statement reminds me about the shooting of a bow and arrow.
The shooter pulls the bow back gradually until the string is
taught. Then the shooter releases the bow sending the arrow
shooting towards the target. As long as the arrow is in
the bow there is complete control. When the arrow is
released the shooter has no more control and the speed of
the arrow can cause great harm when it hits the target.
Dear parent, releasing your child into adulthood or
independent living is to be gradual and should start long
before the age of eighteen. Some eight-year-olds are not
even ready to be released in to society and others might be
ready much sooner. Although we know that adulthood and
maturity is not attained until age twenty-one to
twenty-five, parents are to teach and model independent
living and self government from child’s early years.
Stupid Thing No. 16:
Going to church and leaving your children at home.
One of the best gifts a parent can give a child is that is
spiritual excitement and stability. As mentioned earlier,
children learn best from the modeling of their parents.
Sending your child to church alone or leaving your child at
home while you go to church and still expecting a positive
response toward church and spiritual matters is a hopeless
situation. The first five to ten years of the child’s life
should be saturated with great spiritual and social
modeling. This means that the parents are doing everything
they are asking their children to do. The goal is that the
parents’ spiritual and social values will be adopted by the
children as they get older, as their own values. This
cannot be reached if children are being asked to do things
that the parent are not themselves doing.
Stupid Thing No. 17:
Not making sure your children understands clearly the
reason they are being punished. One of the greatest
mistakes parents make is to think that since they are parent
with “all the authority” they do not have to explain to
children the reason they are being punished. This is a
grave error in parenting. The time of punishing is a great
teaching opportunity. If the child is not aware why he or
she is being punished then the punishment will only be
punitive. In other words, all punishment is to have
long-term or permanent mental and emotional effect. To
accomplish this, the child should be aware why he or she is
being punished before the punishment is being administered.
If this is not being done then the parent is increasing the
chances that the child will become violent, or more verbally
aggressive, argumentative, and delinquent. Parenting isn’t
easy so let’s do all we can to make it easier.
Stupid Thing No. 18:
Asking your children: “Do you have homework tonight?”
Parents should never ask their children if they have
homework. One of the best parenting tools is to teach your
children that there is always homework, even if the teacher
does not give a homework assignment. The standard daily
homework assignment is reviewing what was done is class
during the day. If there is no homework assigned by the
teacher for the day it should be understood that the child
will spend at least 90 minutes reviewing or re-doing the
day’s school work. Asking if your child has homework may
simply be giving permission for your child to no tell the
truth. Furthermore, when the parent accepts that answer and
just says “okay,” it is setting up the child for failure.
Parents are not to appear disinterested in their children’s
school life. When parents are active in the school life of
their children it makes it easier for them to succeed.
Parent should have random, unannounced checks of the school
bags, assignment books and text books. The younger the
child, the more frequent the checks should be. Even if the
parent has no knowledge or skill in a specific subject, it
is imperative that the parent check on neatness,
handwriting, incomplete assignments, etc.
Stupid Thing No. 19:
Intentionally embarrassing or shaming your children in
public. Children are to be respected also.
Deliberately shaming and embarrassing your child in public
can be emotional damaging. The more a parent embarrasses
his or her child in public the further they push him or her
away. How do parents embarrass their children in public?
Here are a few ideas by psychologist, Hayley DiMarco:
“Yelling at them in public. Being too loud and drawing
attention to yourself and them. Being too affectionate in
public. Treating your teen like a little child in front of
their friends. Drinking too much or doing drugs.” This is
just a few ways parents can embarrass their children in
public. I am sure you can think of many more ways.
Stupid Thing No. 20:
Always controlling, choosing, or making decisions for
your children. As stated at the beginning of the
series, parents are to teach and model so their children
will be independent, self-controlled, dependable, and
critical thinkers. Always making decisions for your child
will certainly stifle growth in these areas. From the very
early ages children can start making their own decisions.
For example, when it is meal time, a two-year-old child can
be allowed to decide what to eat. How this is done is
important. A wise parent will decide the food items the
child should eat and during a particular meal allow the
child to choose from among two or three wholesome food
items. The result is two-fold. The parent would have
taught good nutrition and at the same time allowed for
freedom while the child is still under supervision. When
it comes to homework many child would ask how to spell a
word. A wise parent would not give the correct spelling of
the word but will direct the child to the dictionary. By
the time the child reaches the late teens there should be
very little or no decisions the parent should make for the
child. By this time the child would have adopted principles
and values taught by the parents.
Stupid Thing No. 21:
Failure to acknowledge the
uniqueness and creativity of each child. Each child is
unique and special. When parent neglects to recognize or
understand the special characteristics of each child it can
cause problems in parenting, emotionally and
psychologically. Parents should avoid forcing each child in
the same mold. Although there should be structure in the
home (bed time, meal time, etc) parents must take note what
are the needs of each child and how each child respond to
life, his or her environment, social pressure, etc. If 7.00
p.m. is bedtime the parent may note that one child may fall
asleep quickly and the other stays awake for a long time
before falling off to sleep. Although the child still goes
to bed on time he or she should not be punished for keeping
awake longer while in bed. One child may study best in the
morning and the other in the evening. One child may enjoy
red beans and the other does not like them. The role of the
parent is to ensure that child is getting proper daily
nutrition. So of the child do not like red beans find
another bean the child likes. Respect the right for the
child to have preferences. However, wise parents would
maintain a principle of good nutrition and discipline.
Because the child does not like red beans it should not be
replaced with ice cream. Parents should also celebrate the
difference in their children’s approach to the arts. One may
love to play the piano and the other cook. Although at some
point it is important to expose all children to both cooking
and playing the piano, it is imperative to recognize and
respect what is the keen interest of the child and encourage
the child in that direction.
Stupid Thing No. 22:
Requiring your children to be
obedient and you have not demonstrated obedience in your own
life. As emphasized in all of these articles, children
learn best by observing their parents or the significant
others in their lives. It is extremely difficult to require
the child to do something if the life of the parent is
contrary to the request. This is true in social, moral,
spiritual, and financial matters. Saying “do as I say and
not as I do” is a great error in parenting. If you want your
child to go to bed on time then you have to be prepared to
do the same (within reasons). If you want your child to eat
healthily then you are to do the same. If you want you child
to be obedient to you then you must also demonstrate
obedience to your own principles of life. For example:
obeying the speed limit, stopping on the red light, using
the seat belt, telling the truth, etc. If you are a single
parent and you truly want you child to remain sexually pure
until marriage then you should not be sleeping in the
bedroom with someone you are not married too. If you want
you child to come home on time after the social at church
then you are to avoid staying extremely late at nights in
the nightclub.
Stupid Thing No. 23: Providing everything for the
child that the parent could not have when they were children
- - Saying "I don't want you to suffer the way I did when I
was a child." While on one hand it is imperative for
parents to ensure that their children are well taken care of
and are provided all the basic needs of shelter, clothing,
food, love and nurture, on the other hand it is not true
that parents are to provide everything they believe their
children should have. Parents are to instill the spirit of
industriousness, the value of labor, patience, compassion,
and care. These are difficult to attain if parents give
everything to their children. This is even more important
when families are financial restricted. When parents get a
bank loan during Christmas time to buy gifts or for a
vacation and then cannot pay the school fees, they are
making a great mistake. The lessons of thriftiness, wise
spending, and setting priorities are lost. The child may
develop an entitlement attitude or have an inflated ego that
will emotionally cripple him or her for life.
Barrington H.
Brennen is a marriage and family therapist. Send your
questions to P.O. Box CB-11045, or email
question@soencouragement.org or call 1-242-327-1980 or
visit www.soencouragement.org
