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Secrets for a Spicy Marriage

By Barrington H. Brennen, 2005



Barrington H. Brennen

Marriage and Family Therapist

Counseling Psychologist


Question: Dear Sir: I want to add some spice to my relationship with my wife. What can I do?

Answer: Marriages are certainly made in heaven but a lot of work must be done down here on earth. I am glad to know that more couples today are interested in adding spice to their marriage than allowing it to go down the drain. I also discovered that more couples desire a qualitative relationship as opposed to just quantitative one. In other words, marriages of yesteryears are noted by how they "survive" and "endured."

Couples today have realized that this is not in itself an admirable quality in a romantic relationship. Today, couples do not want just to "survive and endure." They want loving relationships that are mutually enhancing.

Too many of our parents just tolerated their spouses. They were taught by their parents to accept without question the bad habits, and baggage that one brought into the marriage. Phrases like "Thatís your cross to bear," "Heís a man, just accept it," "Thatís a woman for you," "the Lord will make a way somehow," etc., were common thirty and forty years ago.

Today, too many of the marriages of yesteryear that "survived and endured" are falling apart. Why? Because they lack the spicy ingredients for a happy relationship. In fact, many of these couples have been emotionally divorced for the majority of their marriage life. Itís only stubbornness, tradition, or pride preventing them from getting a divorce. In the public they show a good face, but behind close doors their hearts are like ice blocks. One dear wife of fifty-five years, shocked her listeners at a marriage seminar when she told them that she and her husband had not had sex in thirty-five years. Everyone thought they were the ideal couple.


To keep the marriage spicy, happy, and at a low risk for marital discord, here are several secret ingredients:

Laughter. Laughter is one of the spicy secret ingredients for a happy relationship. Too many husbands and wives take their lives too seriously. They have lost the ability to laugh together. The Bible also says that "Laugher is the best medicine." Here is the exact quote "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." New International Version (NIV). " A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. " King James Version (KJV). I am no way suggesting that "cracking jokes" about each other is healthy. Often jokes create laughter for the ones who are listening, but pain to those they are laughing about. We are never to make fun about our spouseís weight, size, looks, or ability. Humor however, is endeavoring to look at a situation in a different way. Not whitewashing it, but not allowing it not to cause unnecessary pain and misery.

There have been many scientific studies that show laughter does help to improve the immune system, because when we laugh, our brain releases all kinds of wonderfully happy hormones into our bodies. Also, learning how to incorporate laughter in marriage will add to the health of the relationship. You must have a sense of humor to keep the fires of love burning in your marriage.

Tears. Crying is another secret ingredient for adding spice into your marriage. Do I really mean tears and sadness? Yes, thatís exactly what I am talking about. In other words, each partner in the relationship should feel comfortable and free to express deep emotional pain, discomfort, discouragement, or sadness to their spouse. Whether or not the sadness and a pain are related to the marriage itself. Whenever a spouse feels more comfortable to speak to someone else other than his or her spouse about the pain and discomfort, it is not a good sign of a healthy marriage. Too many spouses become physically ill because they have been forced to bottle-up the pain for years resulting in heart trouble, hypertension, diabetes, etc.. The Bible has this to say about tears: "Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart." (NIV) "Sorrow is better than laughter, because by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better." (KJV)

Friendship. One of the most important ingredients in injecting spice into your marriage is friendship. First, it is having a friendship relationship with your spouse; and secondly, it is having friendship relationships with individuals outside of the marriage relationship. The crucial point is that when a partner has a friend and his or her spouse it not also a friend, there is bound to be a conflict. Why? Because it becomes a test of loyalty. To whom would one be loyal to, the marriage partner or the friend? But when the spouse is the best friend to his/her partner, the friend outside of the marriage serves as an enrichment to the marriage itself and not as an adversary to it. Spouses, make your spouse your best friend today.

Dance. Oops! Yes . I did say dance. I have found that dancing together as husband and wife in the privacy of your own home is a real secret spicy ingredient for your marriage. Anybody can go to dance halls in the public and dance; sometimes just for show. But to hold your spouse close to you when no one is watching and move to the motion of your favorite music (fast or slow) can be a real binding experience. You cannot fake it. You must love your spouse dearly to hold her or him close to you for fifteen or twenty minutes and no one is watching. Try it. You will like it.

Gossip. This is a spicy secret not talked about much. This is the only time when gossip makes sense. That is, couples should gossip about each other to their friends and associates. This helps keep the boundaries clear between strangers and lovers. Iíve discovered that individuals who tend to fall easily in extramarital affairs are those who refuse to talk about their spouse in the presence of their friends or colleagues. Sometime their associates on the job would never know they are married for months or years. Always find a way to mention something good about your spouse. You can say, "My wife likes that," or "My wife and I are going to lunch." Or "Thatís my husbandís favorite color." If you love your spouse, let others know it. If you refuse to do so you open the door to unfaithfulness.

Sleep in the Same Bed. Husbands and wives best night secret to a happy marriage is to sleep in the same bed. Too many couples allow work schedule, room size, and physical differences to cause permanent sleep separation. Thus, when they want to make fire between themselves they wonder why they canít. The secret is to make your spouse you sleep with your partner; not the job, career, computer, or late-night-TV. If your work schedule (no matter how much money it brings), hobby, or bed size, prevents you from lying with your spouse each night your marriage is in trouble.

Shower With Your Spouse. Real spice pours out when couples shower together. Couples should make it a point to bathe or shower together at least once a week (every day is better). Party naked in the tub or shower. Massage each otherís back. Wash each otherís hair. Rub each otherís body. This is a true picture of a bonded relationship. Sharing your naked body with your spouse when the lights are on does a whole lot of good in a relationship. Never forget it.

Click HERE for Brennen's 32 Secrets for a Spicy Marriage 2017

barringtonbrennen@gmail.com   or   1-242-327-1980



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April 26, 2000, TAGnet/NetAserve / Network Solutions

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