a Spicy Marriage
By Barrington H.
Dear Sir: I want to add some spice to my relationship with my wife. What can I
are certainly made in heaven but a lot of work must be done down here on earth.
I am glad to know that more couples today are interested in adding spice to
their marriage than allowing it to go down the drain. I also discovered that
more couples desire a qualitative relationship as opposed to just quantitative
one. In other words, marriages of yesteryears are noted by how they
"survive" and "endured."
Couples today have realized that
this is not in itself an admirable quality in a romantic relationship. Today,
couples do not want just to "survive and endure." They want loving
relationships that are mutually enhancing.
Too many of our parents just
tolerated their spouses. They were taught by their parents to accept without
question the bad habits, and baggage that one brought into the marriage. Phrases
like "Thatís your cross to bear," "Heís a man, just accept
it," "Thatís a woman for you," "the Lord will make a way
somehow," etc., were common thirty and forty years ago.
Today, too many of
the marriages of yesteryear that "survived and endured" are falling
apart. Why? Because they lack the spicy ingredients for a happy relationship. In
fact, many of these couples have been emotionally divorced for the majority of
their marriage life. Itís only stubbornness, tradition, or pride preventing
them from getting a divorce. In the public they show a good face, but behind
close doors their hearts are like ice blocks. One dear wife of fifty-five years,
shocked her listeners at a marriage seminar when she told them that she and her
husband had not had sex in thirty-five years. Everyone thought they were the
To keep the marriage spicy, happy, and at a low risk for marital discord,
here are several secret ingredients:
is one of the spicy secret ingredients for a happy relationship. Too many
husbands and wives take their lives too seriously. They have lost the ability to
laugh together. The Bible also says that "Laugher is the best
medicine." Here is the exact quote "A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." New
International Version (NIV). " A merry heart doeth good like a
medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. " King James Version
(KJV). I am no way suggesting that "cracking jokes" about each
other is healthy. Often jokes create laughter for the ones who are listening,
but pain to those they are laughing about. We are never to make fun about our
spouseís weight, size, looks, or ability. Humor however, is endeavoring to
look at a situation in a different way. Not whitewashing it, but not allowing it
not to cause unnecessary pain and misery.
There have been many scientific studies that show laughter does help to
improve the immune system, because when we laugh, our brain releases all kinds
of wonderfully happy hormones into our bodies. Also, learning how to incorporate
laughter in marriage will add to the health of the relationship. You must have a
sense of humor to keep the fires of love burning in your marriage.
Tears. Crying is another secret
ingredient for adding spice into your marriage. Do I really mean tears and
sadness? Yes, thatís exactly what I am talking about. In other words, each
partner in the relationship should feel comfortable and free to express deep
emotional pain, discomfort, discouragement, or sadness to their spouse. Whether
or not the sadness and a pain are related to the marriage itself. Whenever a
spouse feels more comfortable to speak to someone else other than his or her
spouse about the pain and discomfort, it is not a good sign of a healthy
marriage. Too many spouses become physically ill because they have been forced
to bottle-up the pain for years resulting in heart trouble, hypertension,
diabetes, etc.. The Bible has this to say about tears: "Sorrow is
better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart." (NIV)
"Sorrow is better than laughter, because by the sadness of the
countenance the heart is made better." (KJV)
Friendship. One of the most
important ingredients in injecting spice into your marriage is friendship.
First, it is having a friendship relationship with your spouse; and secondly, it
is having friendship relationships with individuals outside of the marriage
relationship. The crucial point is that when a partner has a friend and his or
her spouse it not also a friend, there is bound to be a conflict. Why? Because
it becomes a test of loyalty. To whom would one be loyal to, the marriage
partner or the friend? But when the spouse is the best friend to his/her
partner, the friend outside of the marriage serves as an enrichment to the
marriage itself and not as an adversary to it. Spouses, make your spouse your
best friend today.
Dance. Oops! Yes . I did say
dance. I have found that dancing together as husband and wife in the privacy of
your own home is a real secret spicy ingredient for your marriage. Anybody can
go to dance halls in the public and dance; sometimes just for show. But to hold
your spouse close to you when no one is watching and move to the motion of your
favorite music (fast or slow) can be a real binding experience. You cannot fake
it. You must love your spouse dearly to hold her or him close to you for fifteen
or twenty minutes and no one is watching. Try it. You will like it.
Gossip. This is a spicy secret not
talked about much. This is the only time when gossip makes sense. That is,
couples should gossip about each other to their friends and associates. This
helps keep the boundaries clear between strangers and lovers. Iíve discovered
that individuals who tend to fall easily in extramarital affairs are those who
refuse to talk about their spouse in the presence of their friends or
colleagues. Sometime their associates on the job would never know they are
married for months or years. Always find a way to mention something good about
your spouse. You can say, "My wife likes that," or "My wife and I
are going to lunch." Or "Thatís my husbandís favorite color."
If you love your spouse, let others know it. If you refuse to do so you open the
door to unfaithfulness.
Sleep in the Same Bed. Husbands
and wives best night secret to a happy marriage is to sleep in the same bed. Too
many couples allow work schedule, room size, and physical differences to cause
permanent sleep separation. Thus, when they want to make fire between themselves
they wonder why they canít. The secret is to make your spouse you sleep with
your partner; not the job, career, computer, or late-night-TV. If your work
schedule (no matter how much money it brings), hobby, or bed size, prevents you
from lying with your spouse each night your marriage is in trouble.
Shower With Your Spouse. Real
spice pours out when couples shower together. Couples should make it a point to
bathe or shower together at least once a week (every day is better).
Party naked in the tub or shower. Massage each otherís back. Wash each otherís
hair. Rub each otherís body. This is a true picture of a bonded relationship.
Sharing your naked body with your spouse when the lights are on does a whole lot
of good in a relationship. Never forget it.
HERE for Brennen's 32
Secrets for a Spicy Marriage 2017