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The Man I am Pregnant For Isnít My Husband
By Barrington H. Brennen (1988, Republished Oct 5, 2006)
This is Part One



Question: Dear Sir: This week I went to my doctor because I suspected that I was pregnant. Sure enough, after some tests, the doctor told me I was three-month pregnant. The painful thing about this is that I am pregnant for my husbandís best friend. Although my husband and I are living together, we have been having great marital difficulty for the past year, and I found myself looking to another man for understanding and love. I do love my husband, but I do not know how to face him now. I am ashamed! Please help me. Signed: Afraid.

Answer: Dear Afraid, you are certainly in a dilemma. I donít know if there is a word in the English language that can fully describe the mess you are in. Although I do not know all of the dynamics surrounding your experience, I want to help you understand what has happened and give you some insights on what direction to take.

Your situation is not so uncommon in our country. There are too many women and men who for one or more reasons get involved in extra marital affairs. I suppose, you thought you would never get pregnant. This only proves the old saying that "once you play with fire you are going to get burned." I am sure you are wondering what to do. Should you have an abortion? Should you tell your husband, family, children or the father of the baby? These questions only reveal how complicated and painful this problem really is.

Although there are women who do not care about themselves and their husbands and deliberately find a "sperm donor" to mate with, however, there are many other women who are blinded to their own vulnerability, and while searching for understanding and love, they become sexually involved with the "extra love-giver."


There are at least two simple reasons why this happened: either you were stupid, foolish, and blind, and you did not think you would get pregnant and that it would affect you this way; or you do not understand the dynamics of love in a relationship. I have discovered in my counseling practice that many husbands and wives do not really understand the nuts and bolts of marital love. In past articles, I quoted psychologist Dr. Willard Harley from his book "His Need, Her Needs," stating that when any of the basic needs of marriage are unmet the marriage is vulnerable to an affair. These needs are:

  • Affection
  • Admiration
  • Conversation
  • Family Commitment
  • Financial Support
  • Recreational Companionship
  • Sexual Fulfillment
  • An Attractive Spouse
  • Honesty and Openness
  • Domestic Support

Dear Afraid, I am certain that years ago, you denied any possibility of getting involved in an affair. In reality, you were at risk because one or more of your needs in marriage were unmet by your husband. To fulfill those needs you sought another source of love. Your immediate search may not have been for sex, but instead, conversation, affection, understanding, and honesty to name a few. You wanted to preserve your marriage. You wanted to understand what was going on in your marriage. For whatever reason you and your husband were having marital difficulty, over the years your "love bank" became dry and you found yourself reaching for love only to receive the cold hand of indifference from an uncaring, emotionally absentee husband. Let me hasten to say here that your husband may be just as ignorant and stupid as you were in not understanding what was going on between both of you.


For the benefit of the other readers, I want to share some of the foolish steps that may have led to this pregnancy:

Foolish Step One: When you first sought comfort and understanding from someone other than your spouse, you went to a male friend instead of a trusted female friend or professional counselor. This is the biggest mistake anyone can make when at risk. Too many men prey on love hungry women. Most likely you went to your husbandís best friend because you thought he could give you some special insight on what was happening in your husbandís mind. But instead, he too did not realize his own vulnerability, and he had another agenda.

Foolish Step Two: Perhaps you visited your male friend at a time and place that would be risky and ripe for sexual overtones and innuendoes. I have discovered that many women in your situation go to seek comfort and understanding from other male friends late at night, or during times when no one is around. This increases your vulnerability and begins the rippling effect from conversation, affection sharing, physical touching, to love making and sex. If both of you are not thinking correctly, you would fall into the stupor of mesmerized love, trapped in the arms of selfish passion.

Like most women at risk, you most likely went to the home of this "caring man" or talked to him in a place that was out of sight. You did not stop to think what trap you were creating for yourself as you stepped into his living room, his bedroom, or sat in the front seat of his car, as you poured out your heart to him. You only wanted someone to listen to you. Boy! He really did listen! The comfort of his home or car prepared the way for you to drop your guard and trust him unreasonably.

Foolish Step Three: Another very big step that led to your pregnancy was when you allowed him to touch you. I am certain when you first went to him for "help" you did not grab him and threw him on the bed. It began with that first seemingly innocent touch. The unoffending, gentlemanly holding of the hands, the greeting kiss, the goodbye hugs can easily start the fires going in the furnace of passion. Never, never, ever, let a man touch you in any fashion when you are alone with him, even avoid the holding of hands. Remember, when you are love-hungry the whole body becomes a sex organ. All it takes is for this "caring man" who is so wonderfully listening to your painful, heartfelt conversation to reach out and touch you on your shoulder or arms, and you feel like you have never felt before. It is hard to pull back because it feels so special. Remember, once you go behind close doors and you are alone with him, the mind begins to work and the body begins to warm up. Two warm bodies create fire.

Foolish Step Four: You went to your husbandís best friend perhaps because you thought you could trust him and he would respect you. Never trust a close friend behind closed doors, especially after dark and when the lights are dim, even if he is the most respectful, dignified, caring creature on earth. Remember, if he was truly a friend, he would have sent you away the first night you knocked on his door, and he would have arranged to see you in a more neutral environment.

Dear Afraid, I am certain you want a quick answer to your dilemma, but there isnít one. Since there is not enough space to write my total response to your question in this issue,  GO TO PART TWO


Barrington Brennen is a marriage and family therapist.   Send your comments or questions to question@soencouragement.org Or Call 1242 327-1980, / 242 477 4002 (Cell and WhatsApp)   P.O. Box CB-13019, Nassau, The Bahamas



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