The Dangers of a Long Courtship

Barrington H. Brennen, July 30, 2025

 

Once again, I find myself compelled to write about this topic.  It is about one of the many reasons marriages are failing.   It is about the dangers of too long courtships and engagement periods before marriage. Far too many couples are burning away their romance in their relationships by getting engaged without committing to a date to marry.   Their relationships coast down a long road of uncertainty, misplaced priority, confused romance, and unrealistic expectancy.

Although there are a few exceptions of couples having had long courtships and happy marriages, the majority end up on the rocks.  When the pain of separation or divorce strikes, they would have already sunk in the quicksand of over-commitment, unexpected pregnancies, and perhaps abortions, vitriolic arguments, and disgraceful behaviors.  It is too painful to stay and too embarrassing to leave.  It is a painfully confusing state to be in.

I came across and great article titled “The Long Courtships,” located on the website Favored, Obedient, Confident and Hardworking Women.   Here is the quote:  “A long courtship can present several dangers, including delaying commitment, fostering a sense of complacency, and potentially leading to a cycle of failed long-term relationships. It can also create barriers to building a strong foundation for marriage, such as separate financial and social lives, which can be difficult to merge after marriage.”

I suppose you are wondering what I mean by long courtships or engagements.  Relationship experts agree that twelve months is sufficient time to get to know the person well enough to decide to marry.  Then after that, take between another six months to eighteen months to marry.  It is imperative to go through the seasons, family traditions, personal expectations, and the celebration days for each person at least once before getting married.  Simply put, when a relationship goes beyond two and a half years, it starts getting stale.   By the time it reaches three to four years, it is burnt out or heading in that direction.

Here is an important point.  If you cannot decide to marry, then do not be in a romantic relationship.  Some men would give a promissory ring to indicate a commitment to the relationship.  The problem is that commitment gets burnt out with waiting and promising, delaying, and regretting. In many cases, years would go by and nothing would happen.  What adds to the dilemma of waiting is that the couple becomes overly sexually active.  Sex is a part of the menu most times they meet.   Couples who start having sex early in the relationship have a greater risk of this happening.  The “Ohhh, Ahhh, this feels good, baby,” destroys careful thinking and proper evaluation.  In other words, sex too soon destroys objectivity and clarity in a relationship.  It befuddles proper decision-making.   Thus, the longer the courtship, the greater the risk of this happening.

For those who choose to have the first sexual experience on the honeymoon night, it would be successful doing so when the relationship is between eighteen and thirty months only.  After that time, they enter the danger zone.   Note carefully that even non-religious couples may experience confusion and tension because of the too long relationships.

Here is a very important point stated in the article I quoted from earlier, titled “The Long Courtships:”    “It breeds a ​"locked down” mindset. This is mainly for my girls. When you stay with someone so long, you begin to think that the time validates your staying with them and so, even when they begin to act up you make excuses as a result of being locked down by time (which is only a myth), and dangerous to your ability to hear and obey God. The longer the courtship, the more tendency of being caught in this mindset and as a result you settle, even when you’re supposed to move.”

Some females promise themselves that they will not have a child before marriage.  Then they get hooked into a “wonderful” relationship with a gorgeous man.  It seems very promising.  She is ready for a serious relationship leading to marriage.  He is serious also, but is in a different place.  He wants to have a house before marriage, but does not even have the down payment for a mortgage.  It will take years to save that amount of money.  She sticks with him.  Three years passed, and the house had not started.  She is pregnant.  Silently, she weeps because her dreams have been shattered.   It’s their first child.  By the seventh year, they have three children, and she is stuck and more bewildered.  It was not her dream.  She finally realizes that her gorgeous man is not really committed.  She is torn.  Her dreams have been shattered.  She is now burdened with three children, and he seems not to care. 

Let me not appear to be one-sided here.  Some males are also torn apart because of the unrealistic expectations of their partners in a too long relationship.  Some men who have been mesmerized by their partner's beauty and charm feel trapped and bewildered and have difficulty getting out of the relationship. 

My appeal to single adults reading this article is to make sure you are ready to decide to marry before you get involved in a serious romantic relationship.  When I say ready, that includes, emotionally, financially, spiritually, physically, and intellectually ready.  Men, you do not need to build a house to prove your readiness.  You need to be able to work with your partner to make joint decisions.  Women, do not be limp, dependent females in relationships.  You have equal voice, vote, and authority.   To everyone, if the relationship is taking too long, get out.  Do not destroy yourself.

Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage and family therapist. Send your comments or questions to question@soencouragement.org or call 242-327 1980 or visit www.soencouragement.org.