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More Good Women Needed

(Stupid Things Women Do)

Question: Dear Sir: I am a happy, single virgin male. I am still virgin only because it is difficult to find a well-adjusted, Christian, stable woman who is not interested in having me in her bed. I am a member of a local Christian church, and almost all of the women in my age bracket in this church have asked me to have sex with them. I firmly say no each time Iím asked. There are also other women who are stubborn, manipulative, and cunning. Why are women so stupid? Signed: Looking and Happy.

Answer: Dear Looking-and-Happy single, virgin male: Yes, I firmly believe that there are women out there who are virgin and respectable adults. I congratulate you on being so bold about your virginity. You are not alone, dear friend. There are many decent men who are living clean, productive lives. On the other hand, there are many women who do stupid things. In this article I will share some of the stupid things many Bahamian women do to themselves.

You are certainly correct when you say that some women are stubborn, manipulative, and cunning. There are also many women who are driven more by their sexual desires than by their intellect. Have you noticed how many women attend evening classes in the Bahamas? Many women do, but usually only a few men are present. This gives a false positive image of women. We feel that since so many women are attending evening classes, they are really interested in developing themselves intellectually until we notice who come to pick them up after classes. Some of these men who pick them up drive the latest model cars and may have never held a job for more than six months at a time. They feel so "honored" and special driving in these cars with their jobless, uneducated, car-craze men. This is the first stupid thing many women do. They are attracted to men with power machines (cars), or men who display macho mannerisms. If the men look good, talk sweet words, and walk cool, then they are all right, the women say. Sometimes it is months or even years later when they wake up to a nightmare of pain, disappointment, and misery, only after selling their bodies and minds cheaply to worthless, unambitious men who just wanted to use them as a sex machines and trophies to boost their ranking with their friends.

The second stupid thing women do is getting pregnant outside of marriage and/or getting pregnant with a man they hardly know. "If only I could have a baby for him, then I know I will have him hooked," is a common myth. Or some women (men too) boldly will walk up to a stranger and say "I want to have a baby for you." Other women (men too) would make more suggestive, but rude statements such as "I wonder how it would be with you in my bed." Such statements are an indication of sick and weak-minded individuals who prefer to live without thinking, planning, or ordering their lives. These are women who are controlled by circumstances and hormones. Every person I have met who have lived such a life have all regretted past decisions. It is now time that women learn from the mistakes of the past.

It is important to understand the way the human mind and body work. Relationships blossom in developmental stages, with each stage leading to the other. If we do not make deliberate choices as we move from one stage to another, then our behavior and desires will determine what stage to move to next. These stages simply put are 1) First-time-meeting stage. 2) Get-acquainted stage. 3) I-like-you stage. 4) I-want-you-to-be-my-friend stage. 5) Letís-go-steady stage 6) I-want-to-get-deep-inside-your-head stage. 7) You-make-me-feel-good stage (engagement). 8) You make-me-feel-all-over stage. 9) Your-lips-are-sweet stage. 10) Your-body-is-soft stage (marriage). Most Bahamian women and men jump stages. They start off with babies and end up with courtship (if the relationship survives the pain). The right way would be to start off with courtship and end with a baby after marriage. This is a logical process, but it is difficult to get this across to sex-craved individuals.

When these stages are not followed, then there is a greater chance of producing dysfunctional parentless children who are emotionally and intellectually disabled. Then these same children seek love and security outside of their homes, sometimes from gangs and other violent friends. When these children get older, they too will enter into premature relationships, and the vicious cycle continues.

The third stupid thing many Bahamian women do is to foolishly depend on a man for emotional well-being. Dr. Laura Schlessinger, leading marriage and family therapist and talk radio host calls this stupid attachments. (Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess of their Lives, 1994). Many women are taught that unless they have a relationship with men they are not of value. Dr. Schlessinger quotes Whitney Houston, the famous singer, in 1992 saying that "Women are supposed to have husbands. We are validated by that, and we validate ourselves that way." This is not true. This concept certainly develops a foolish dependency. Many Bahamian women still believe that "men are to seek fortune and women are to seek men . . . A manís job is to make something of himself in the world and a womanís job is to find herself a successful man. . . . Men must be somebody, women must find somebody." (Lerner, 1990). These statements indicate the confusion that exists in the mind of women between intimacy and approval. "Surely, womenís commitment to relationships is a part of our proud legacy and strength. The problem arises, however, when we confuse intimacy with winning approval, when we look to intimate relationships as our sole source of self-esteem, and when we enter relationships at the expense of the self. Historically speaking, women have learned to sacrifice the "I" for the "we," just as men have been encouraged to do the opposite and bolster the "I" at the expense of responsible connectedness to others." (Dr. Harriet G. Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy, page 7). Too often men are encouraged to be independent, strong, and courageous, while women are only of value when they are dependent, weak, and in need of direction. Women, you can change this concept. God did not make women to be subordinate, nor to be defined by the wishes and fears of men. God made them with the ability to think, choose, and direct their own lives.

The fourth stupid thing many Bahamian women do is called stupid shacking-up. Dr. Schlessinger calls this "the ultimate female self-delusion." This is living together with someone you are not married to. Many times these women are not certain whether they really love the man, but are only HOPING they will win him over. The sad thing about it is that they would have won his body, and all the infectious diseases that came along with it, but not the mind and heart. Having sex does not solidify relationships, instead, it AFFIRMS an already-established loving relationship between two people--a woman and her husband. The problem is that there is no real relationship between cohabiting couples. Statistics show that couples who cohabit before marriage have a greater risk of breaking up than couples who wait until marriage to live together. The statistics reveal that the longer the years of shacking-up, the greater the percentage of couples breaking up after they get married. (Crandel, 1992)

In the Bahamas, statistics indicate that divorce rate is very low. In 1995, there were 2484 marriages and just 360 divorces. These figures are comparatively good when compared to other nations. However, when we examine closely our Bahamian family structure, we discover that Bahamians do not get divorced, they shack-up, have sweethearts (which should be called sour hearts - affairs) and try to live multiple lives with many individuals. Many times the women who live with men to whom they are not married are mature adults capable of making wiser decisions. Why do women play Russian Roulette with their lives? Could it be desperation? Could it be fear that they will never find another man? I wish that women would realize that "living-in equals giving-in." The fact of living-in with someone you are not married to is a clear indication of giving-in to his whims, and fancies, his wishes and controls. I like the way Dr. Schlessinger puts it: "Women have to know of their alternatives to selling themselves. And they have to be able to use their courage and creativity in ways that make them choosers, not beggars."

I encourage women to be in charge of their lives and relationships as men are. This is one good thing they can learn from men. Instead of waiting endlessly and hopelessly for men to "pop" the question "will you marry me," remember women must be in as much control of the direction of the relationship as men are. Donít live with a man to convince him that you could be his wife.

Living together brings an added risk of bearing children with someone you are not sure will be a true father to them. Some think that the children will help the man to make a decision to marry them. This is a big mistake. This is also a type of child abuse. Usually the children are caught in the middle of the pain, misery, and dysfunction of the relationship. What a stupid thing to do. Many women live with other men thinking they are in a monogamous relationship. After sleeping with them for a year or two, they find out that are fooling around. Stop and think Bahamian women. Remember you are also fooling around, even if you are sure you are the only one in their lives. Living together before marriage is a "fooling around situation." Unless you are married, the mind tells you that since you are not committed to the person for life, and since it is only a "test," then why not "test" other fertile "grounds" for comparison. It is as simple as that.

Many women are great in denying the "potential" pain in their relationships. Even if they suspect that their partners are having "another affair" they find ways to minimize or repress their feelings and thoughts. So they are taught to "stick with it." They feel that it is the honorable thing to do. Why should you stick with someone who is not committed to you? "A living-in arrangement does not inherently have that kind of commitment; nor is it a further step in that direction. Living-in is more a convenience and a fantasy; typically, the former for men, and the latter for women" (Schlessinger, 1994).

Wake up Bahamian women. Come out of those shacking-up relationships. There must be no negotiation, no dialogue, no discussion; just move out--cold turkey--and run for your life before it is too late. You can help stop the malignant cycle of family dysfunctionalism by keeping your legs together as we are asking men to keep their zippers up and their hands to their sides. You can help stop the painful cycle of family dysfunctionalism in our land by saying NO to the men who ask you "would you live with me" before they say "would you marry me." Dear women of the Bahamas, never be fooled that the only way out of poverty, financial distress, and your own family pain is shacking-up. This behavior will only create more sorrow as you move further down from poverty to stupid, continual dependency on someone you canít even trust. Never be fooled that the only answer to your highly sexual cravings is having sex with a man to whom you are not married. You will be demoted from being a healthy woman with normal sexual needs to being a sexually addicted maniac, burdened with unwanted children and/or life threatening diseases. Wake up women of the Bahamas.


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April 26, 2000, TAGnet/NetAserve / Network Solutions

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