Should I Leave Him?By Barrington H. Brennen
I am a
35-year-old newly born-again Christian and a victim of physical and mental abuse
from a man with whom I was involved for the past ten years. We have a
six-year-old daughter together. I used to live with this former-man-in-my-life
for about nine years. Our daughter has heard him say bad things to me and has
seen him with dangerous weapons. He used to beat me a lot. One day he stabbed me
in my arm and head. I am a police officer with almost eleven years experience.
thought that after rededicating my life to the Lord things would have been
different and we would have gotten married. I thought he would be happy to have
a Christian wife. But I was wrong. I was so in love with him, that I did not
think I could live without him. Instead, things got worse. In order to escape
the abuse and to protect my child, I asked to be transferred to a family island
as a police officer. He still wants me back in his life. But I am afraid. He
drinks and uses drugs, and he is not interested in religion.
I am happy I made
the move to the family island, and I am doing well there in church and on the
job. Should I go back to him?
Dear Friend, Please do not go back to him. It may not be
wise. Over the years you have lived with him, he has never shown interest in
changing his own life and has never valued you as a person. Staying with him
would only be putting your life and your childís life in danger. Many people
make a mistake by thinking once you become a Christian or both partners are
Christians, then all will be well in a marriage relationship. Being born again
does not necessarily mean that there will be marital compatibility or harmony.
Keep away from him. Now that it is all over, enjoy your life as a happy single
adult. If you find a person with whom you feel attracted to, make sure that you
take your time and only share a small part of yourself as you journey down the
road of romance. Remember, you do not need a man to be happy or complete. God
made you complete. Be happy and if you do find a suitable mate, let him find you
QUESTION: Dear Sir: I am a twenty-three year old woman. I have a great
job, a wonderful man in my life, and together we have a wonderful baby boy.
However, when I was sixteen years old my older brother sexually molested me.
This abuse continued for five months when I became pregnant. When my mother
found out, she took me to Florida to get an abortion and that was the end of it
as far as they were concerned. I am still having problems.
I am also afraid for
his children because he was never punished for what he did. I donít think he
has changed. He has four girls and I feel they are in danger. What should I do?
As for me, I still have hang ups. I have read books after books on dealing with
life after abuse, but I am still afraid of him and other men. Whenever a man,
other than my boyfriend, tries to build a friendship or gets close to me I get
My boyfriend is very supportive and understanding. I try to
pretend that it is helping, but itís not and I am messed up inside. I also
read somewhere that people who suffer sexual abuse become abusers of their own
children, so I am afraid I might end up abusing my son. Please help me.
ANSWER: Dear friend, You are in pain. I recommend that you seek
professional help from those who understand the dynamics of your problem. You
need someone that will help you let go of the pain and the past. It will take
some time to overcome the pain of the abuse. Do not panic, dear friend. All is
not lost. It is not automatic that you will abuse your child because you were
abused. However, it is imperative that you find persons, friends, and
professionals who can provide support and advice.
If you are certain that your brother is abusing his children you have the
duty to report it to Social Services by calling 326 0526. Do no hesitate to call
so that the children will be safe. You also asked if there is anything you can
do legally about the molestation you experience from your brother. You can press
charges, it is not too late. However, since the incident took place almost seven
years ago, it might be difficult to investigate. Often, there is a legal
question as to why there was a long delay to report, thus questioning the
truthfulness of the case. In other words, there is a fifty-fifty chance that
your case may not be tried.
It is imperative that you seek professional help in guiding you through this
difficult time in your life. Most importantly, you want to be able to leave the
pain behind and move with your new relationship. I am certain you can do this.
Allow yourself the time to heal and do not hide the pain. You must intelligently
find ways to release the anger. There are people who can help. Call Marriage and
Family Counseling Services, at 242 393 2818 or the Crisis Center at 242 328
0922, or The Christian Counseling Center at 242 323 7000.
Dear readers, continue to send in your questions. Remember you do not have to
identify yourself. However, I would prefer you to use your name so I can
personally write to you. If you want the question published your name will not
be used and I will make any other adjustments to maintain your anonymity. Send
your questions, comments, or request for counseling to 1-242-327-1980, or write to
P.O. Box CB-11045, Nassau, Bahamas, or email