- Honey, Letís
- Effective Communication Works Miracles
- By Barrington H. Brennen, December 16, 2004, 2020
If there is one basic ingredient that can greatly enhance a
marriage relationship, even through tough times, it is effective, loving
communication. How are your communication skills? That is, how do you
communicate your feelings, requests, or ideas to your mate? Psychologist
Deborah Tanner writes: "Talking is the major way we establish, maintain,
monitor and adjust our relationships." People who are in love discover
that the way they communicate with their partners is crucial to either keeping
them close or pulling them apart.
- PREACHER OR LOVER
- There are at least two ways of describing how couples talk:
"preacher" or "lover." In a romantic relationship,
partners who "preach" are those who talk "to"
their mates. They are
often, like preachers or teachers, giving instructions and directing,
but not necessarily creating the mood for a reciprocal response. Their
partners must listen, agree, and obey and may feel more like a child
than an equal adult partner in the relationship. The
"preacher" often generates the most conflicts in a
relationship. Preaching is excellent behind the church pulpit, but not
when sharing with a romantic partner. So get down from the
"pulpit" and sit beside your partner.
In a romantic relationship a partner who communicates like
a "lover" talks "with," not "to"
his or her mate. Lovers listen, avoid giving instructions, engender the
partnerís response, and value her opinions. Lovers are not opinionated. They
are humble and teachable. Lovers listen with their ears and their hearts. In
marital therapy, I have noted that one of the challenges couples face is not
what they tell me as their therapist, rather it is that one or both of them
feel that the other partner is always "preaching" to them, creating
a roadblock to intimacy. I would simply ask the question: "Who is the
preacher in the relationship?" One of them would quickly respond,
pointing the finger, "he is" or "she is." They seem to
know, without having me define it, what the question means. It is as though
someone has finally brought clarity to how they felt for a long time. It is
common for partners to swing back and forth between a "preacher" and
a "lover." When they want to have their way and flex their
authoritarian muscles, they assume the preacher's role. When they selfishly
want something special from their partners, they are "lovers." This
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde behavior is seldom
seen by others outside the relationship and can be very confusing and painful
to victims of "preaching."
In a romantic relationship, victims of
"preaching" often feel they are being treated like immature,
unintelligent children. "Preachers" make it very difficult to
resolve conflicts in a relationship. They set up stumbling blocks to effective
resolutions of differences.
In the book "Empowering Couples," Psychologist
Dr. David Olsen presents five stumbling blocks regarding conflict resolution.
They are (italics supplied):
One person ends up feeling responsible for the problem.
are good at making their partners feel guilty.)
I go out of my way to avoid conflict with my partner.
response to the preaching, the partner may withdraw or avoid sharing.)
Differences never seem to get resolved.
"preachers" are not good listeners, the couple seldom, if ever,
comes to a mutual agreement.)
We have different ideas about the best way to solve
disagreements. (The "preacherís" opinions are always right.)
We have serious disputes over unimportant issues.
matters often dominate arguments when there are "preachers"
- WHOíS TALKING THE MOST?
- During the courting years, men and women spend lots of time talking
with each other. After they get married, conversation declines sharply.
Both become involved in other things that take up more time. The truth
is the decline in conversation is usually noticeable among husbands more
than wives. Dr. Willard Harley in his book "His Needs Her
Needs" states, "I rarely have a man ask me ĎWhy isnít my
wife talking to me?í But I often hear, ĎWhy isnít my husband
talking to me?í from women. Men do not seem to have a great need for
conversation with their wives as women do with their husbands." Is
this really true?
Men find it easy to talk to women when they date because
they want to make a lasting impression. Men seem to know just how to captivate
womenís hearts. However, after the wedding day, the eagerness to discover,
share, and romanticize through conversation turns into small talk; for
example, "Pick up the children after school," "Is the dinner
ready?" "Take out the trash."
Before the wedding day the husband seems to know just how
to turn his wife on with his installments of gentle, sweet and assuring words.
However, within months after "I do," it begins to feel that the
words were just that, "installments," that the husband intended to
last a lifetime of marriage. Itís as though he is saying "no need to
make any more sweet talk. I said enough." Soon his conversation becomes
more and more instructional. For some men, the emphasis is no longer on
unconditional, reciprocal love, but on obedience and submission. It was as
though captivating the heart of his bride was just a "project" that
he did his best to complete. After the wedding day he simply moves onto
another project: the new house, the car, career, etc. His conversation needs
to be warm and alluring. Unfortunately, without romantic and caring
conversation, the wife may (unknowingly) emotionally pull away from her
husband. Like a deer, thirsty for cool flowing waters, she finds her self
attracted to the voice of another caring man who seems to understand her
needs. Soon there is an emotional entanglement and she gets all the blame for
bringing problems into the marriage. In her partnerís mind it is obviousĖshe
is the one having the "affair," not him. In fact he is just as
guilty. He started having the "affair" first when he began putting
more time in cleaning the car and staying out with the boys. Now, with no
romantic conversation between them, the "sweet talker" has become
the cold and distant "preacher."
- A prerequisite for being a good talker is being a good listener. A
challenge in romantic relationships is that "preachers" seldom
listen. Rather, they must be listened to.
"Preachers" might "hear" what their partners are
saying, but they are not tuned to them. Their brain cells are
preoccupied with the need to control and instruct. "Lovers"
are usually great listeners. They not only listen with their ears, but
they also listen with their hearts. This is why when "lovers"
talk they get a warm response, even though they do not know all the
answers to their partners' inquiries, concerns, or questions.
Social workers Michael and Marlene Nikolich, in their article
"Are You Listening?" compare listening and hearing this way:
"If Iím hearing, itís what I get out of it.
If Iím listening, itís what you get out of it."
They further explain: "Being listened to is perhaps more important
than any other single factor in a good marriage. . . . Listening is not
only avoiding interruptions and letting the other say what he wants to
say. Listening is more than paying attention. Actually, itís being
attentive to the other person. Stay close to the person and touch.
A touch can show the other person that Iím really present in this
So why are the "preachers" preaching? Shouldnít
they be listening? Conversation is a two-way street. Each person engaged in
the conversation is to feel that his or her opinions and ideas are valuable.
Here are examples of what "preachers" say and the
messages their partners might be getting:
"Who is wearing the pants around this house?"
The message given: "Since I am the man, your opinions are not as
valuable and important as mine are."
"Marriage is a private affair." The
message given: "Whatever happens in marriage, no matter how
life-threatening, keep it a secret."
"God made women to be the weaker
vessel." The message given: "Because a woman is not as
physically strong as a man, he should be the one in control. Therefore
the weaker a woman, the stronger the man should be."
"Whom do you think you are?" The
message given: "I Am better than you."
"You never make sense." The message
given: "Women are more intelligent than men, therefore what you are
saying will never be meaningful."
- SELF EVALUATION
- How well do you communicate with your partner? Are you happy and
comfortable in the way you communicate with each other? Here is a
short quiz from "Empowering Couples" to assist you in
discussing with your partner. Keep in mind that both of you must have
an open, objective, and nonjudgmental attitude.
- To respond to the statements choose one of the following:
- 1 - Strongly disagree 2 - Disagree 3-Undecided 4- Agree 5-Strongly
We are good at sharing positive and negative feelings
with each other _______
My partner is very good at listening. ______
We let each other know our preferences and ideas.
We can easily talk about problems in our relationship.
My partner really understands me. ______
Here are a few more questions to help you evaluate how you
communicate in your relationship. Answer the questions as honestly as you can
by using "Yes" or "No":
When my partner talks, he or she can know by my body
I take the time to listen to my partnerís ideas and
Little arguments escalate into ugly fights with
accusations, criticisms, name calling, or bringing up past hurts.
My partner seems to view my words or actions more
negatively than I mean them to be.
I hold back from telling my partner when I really think
When we argue, one of us withdraws; that is, one doesnít
want to talk about it anymore or leaves the scene.
- MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY
- Dear reader, if you really want a long-lasting, loving relationship,
start listening to your partner with your ears and your hearts. Stop
being a "preacher" and become a "lover" in your
conversations. Take the time each week to share, go on dates, play, and
- Respond to the Article
- Share this article with someone today. Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage and family therapist, and
Nationally Certified Psychologist (USA). You can send your questions or
comments to P.O. Box N-896, Nassau, The Bahamas; or firstname.lastname@example.org, or 242-323 8772, or visit the website www.soencouragement.org