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The ABCs of Great Sex

By Barrington H. Brennen, October 29, 2014


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Barrington H. Brennen

I’ve been working with couples for more than 20 years and I’ve noticed that there are too many partners who are just having mechanical sex and not truly making love.  Far too many couples are not enjoying great sex because there is too much focus on self-satisfaction instead of pleasing one’s partner.   It is important to note that before one jumps in bed to have sex they must first “jump” in each other’s heads and arms.  The mind has to connect first before the body does.  Emotional preparedness for sex is as important as the physical readiness.  The emotional readiness might take all day or sometimes days.   Men need to understand that women finds it very difficult to have sex with her partner if there is emotional distance or they are having major problems.   If they do have sex the female partner often feels like she was raped or used and abused.  Behind closed doors she cries.  It is painful.   On the other hand, many women are not aware that their husbands also need to be turned on.  Men also want sensitive and compassionate love making.  One author says “Yes, both of you should be getting equal satisfaction from your sex life.”


One thing I have learned over the years is that if partners enjoy a happy sex life and fully understand the connection of the minds and hearts first, they would find it easier to adjust to not being able to have penetrative sex because of medical or other reasons.   They learn that they can still be close, sensual, worm and fuzzy towards each other.  


I am writing this article because still far too many partners are unhappy in bed and it is driving them crazy.  Most time it is just a simple adjustment or understanding.  However, the stubbornness and pride takes over and coldness turns to freezing point in the relationship.   Make it a point to change that in your relationship today.  Do something about it.


Below are the “ABCs of Great Sex” written by Certified Family Life Educators, Jansen & Gloria Trotman.  I thought you will find it helpful.  Read and share with friends.


A.   Accept sex as a gift from God.

B.   Build anticipation throughout the day.

Jansen & Gloria Trotman.

C.   Cuddle regularly even when sex in not on the agenda.

D.   Delight in each others bodies. Your bodies belong to each other. See Songs of Solomon and 1 Corinthians 7:14

E.   Enrich each experience with creativity.  Move from the bedroom to the living room, etc

F.   Find out what pleases your mate.

G.   Give generous love play and affection.

H.   Have unselfish consideration for each others needs.

I.   Invest in sex sleep wear.

J.   Jettison (throw away) unfounded inhibitions.

K.   Kiss a lot and engage in other affectionate behavior

L.   Let loving actions and words start outside the bedroom.

M.  Make time for lovemaking. Put it on the front burner.

N.   Nurture intimacy through fidelity.  Be emotionally and physically faithful to your partner.

O.   Observe the rules of bedroom etiquette.

P.   Prepare the right bedroom atmosphere.

Q.  Quiet your spouse’s anxiety by loving affirmations.

R.   Respect each other’s wishes.

S.   Share your desires with your spouses.

T.   Take time to enjoy the climb.

U.   Utilize all the senses.

V.   Very the way you engage in sex.  Be creative in your positions.

W.  Work on the overall relationship not just sex.

X.   Exercise your imagination

Y.   Yield your rights in preference for harmony.

Z.   Zero in on your partner’s desirers

Never forget that sex begins with clothes and lights on.  Do you know what can really turn on the juices?  Have an annual (or as often as you want) “sleep naked night.”   That is both partners go to bed totally naked and do not have sex at all that night.   Learn how to appreciate each other and getting very close during the most vulnerable times—nakedness.  I invite you to watch one of my videos of a seminar I did in England is 2014.  It is entitled “Making the Best out of Marriage.”  You will hear an assignment in the video I would encourage all couples to do.   The web address is http://www.soencouragement.org/campmeeting2012/videos.htm



Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage and family therapist and board certified clinical psychotherapist, USA. Send your questions or comments to barringtonbrennen@gmail.com or write to P.O. Box CB-13019, Nassau, The Bahamas, or visit www.soencouragement.org  or call 242-327-1980 or 242-477-4002












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