A Fatherís Love
By Barrington H. Brennen, 2002,
FATHERS WHO LOVE
A fatherís love, oh how sweet! Yes! I really mean sweet. It
is now time for a paradigm shift. We often think of a motherís love in
colorful, warm, and tender terms; but we are reluctant to do the same for
fathers. This was not Godís intent. It was Godís design for a fatherís
love to complement a motherís love.
The original plan was that both parents
would creatively weave their different ways of loving into a tapestry of knitted
emotions, verbal expressions, affectionate displays, and intellectual harmony.
There would be no competition, nor lack of love from either side. This type of
loving would create a family chemistry that would ride through the roughest
storms and sail over the darkest clouds.
CAN FATHERS REALLY LOVE?
Perhaps some are saying that fathers cannot really love like
mothers do. Oh, yes they can. Sadly, however, many men have been fooled into
believing that the love they should have for their families is somewhat of a
diminutive resemblance to a motherís love. There is another side to the story.
Men get a lot of mixed messages concerning fatherhood. On one hand, society
wants them to be committed first and foremost to their career.
even bosses might think it's great that a man has children and a loving family.
It might even be seen as a source of strength and stability. But he is not
expected to put the children and wife above his job. The job comes first, and
whatever is left over, he is free to do as he wishes. "Most of what we read
in the newspapers or see in TV miniseries having to do with fatherhood is about
Ďdead-beatí fathers who abuse their children or mothers and children who
courageously survive abandonment" (Stephen Harris). No wonder many fathers
go home late from work, oftentimes while their children are asleep.
Additionally, when we read the national and international magazines and books,
they often paint the picture of parenting from the motherís point of view. Men
do not receive a great deal of encouragement to delve deeply into fatherhood.
The message society is giving is that a fatherís love is not so important as a
What is a fatherís love really like? Even when a father
expresses tenderness and consistent parenting care toward his children, it is
usually described in "mothering terms." This is noted by the common
title of two well-known books, one by a Jamaican author and the other by an
American. The common title is "My Father who Mothered Me." The books
tell the story of men who grew up with their fathers alone after the death of
The stories graphically share the tenderness, patience, caring,
and nurturing of their loving fathers. Why do we think of loving fatherhood in
mothering terms? Is it because we attribute tenderness and affectionate actions
to being feminine rather than just being loving? Obviously, fathers do not have
breasts. Fathers are not made with the extra soft cushion of fat under the skin
like mothers have. Nevertheless, fathers do have other body parts mothers have.
They have arms, legs, eyes, lips, and ears that all are needed for the act of
loving. Fathers also have brains that, according to research, have the same
ability as mothers have to think, feel pain, laugh, and cry.
Fathers and mothers
may process information differently, but there are no biological reasons that
can explain why a fatherís love cannot be as intense and meaningful as a
motherís love. Of course, there are sociological and cultural factors that
have deterred the male from being intensely loving. But we must remember that
these factors can, at the most, influence how we love but not
"dictate" to us. In simple terms, even a father has a choice of how to
love. He can refuse to submit to societal norms and go beyond tradition to make
a difference in his own family. Unfortunately, manliness and male loving in our
society is still measured mostly by the way the father provides financially and
materially for his family and not by how much he really shares himself with
How, then, can fathers truly be
intensely loving in a society that does not encourage it? Hereís how: (1)
Fathers decide that it is manly to love intensely. (2) Fathers conquer the
inhibition that society thrusts on them. (3) Fathers truly treat their family
members as they treat their own personal lives. (4) Fathers accept the fact that
their love complements the mothersí love, not competes with it. Thus, their
love is equally important to the family welfare.
good news is that there are many fathers who
love intensely. Many men leave behind the traditional roles for men and become,
along with mothers, the primary care-givers for their children. These are the
fathers who refuse to work overtime, who leave their briefcases at the office
over the weekend, or their tools in the carpenterís shop, who make an effort
never to miss a school parents-child activity. They are finding fulfillment and
success in ways that society doesn't quite understand yet.
We do know that these
loving fathers are the ones who are really contributing to the strengthening of family life, thus greatly assisting in the
decrease in criminal activities. These are the fathers who know that the
"good old days" were not all that good, and that to maintain a healthy
family life requires one to take a new look at the way we do things. The habits
and traditions of the "good old days" did very little to strengthen
families. We are seeing evidence of that today.
My very own father made it easier for me to break tradition
and become an intensely loving father. He did everything for us and with us. He
loved, cried, hugged, kissed cooked, baked, talked with us, and told us, "I
love you." More importantly, he freely said "Iím sorry" when he
made a mistake. Therefore, when our two children were born, I was extremely
jealous of anyone else taking my place and influencing my child more than I. I
didnít even want my parentsí love for their grandchildren to be in any way
more intense and meaningful than my love.
Although I did not breast-feed my
children, I would change their diapers, cook the food, iron the clothes, and
comb their hair. When our daughter started to go to school, her friends would
commend her on her neat hair styles. They would say to her "Your mother did
a beautiful job." She often had to correct them by saying "It was my
father who combed my hair." I combed my daughterís hair every day until
the age of ten. After that, I did not have the skill to make any more of the
fancy, more "grown-up" styles. It was my wifeís turn then. I would
spend literally hours holding our children, playing with them, and being there
to say "good night."
"A father's love
makes his daughter feminine.
A mother's love makes her son masculine.
Barrington Brennen, 1999
Fathers, donít be shy of
passionately loving your children. Your love for them helps them feel more
secure emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. Remember, if your peers
laugh at you for going directly home after work and choosing family time over
sharing time with them, one day their laughter will turn into sadness. The old
adage is true: "Last man laughs best." Research tells us that men who
intensely love their families live longer and happier lives. We also know that
children whose fathers are actively involved in their lives do better in school,
even in single-parent families. Remember fathers, when you do not love children
as intensely as their mothers do, you are causing an imbalance in the family
equilibrium, thus increasing the risk of childhood rebellion and teenage
DONíT BE AFRAID
Fathers, your sons and daughters need your intense loving. They need your
hugs, kisses, smiles, affirming words, and ever-present energy. They need your
love. Fathers, society needs your love. God created you to love as intensely and
deeply as mothers do. Donít be fooled by the noise in the kitchen. It will
make you believe that there is really no living room. You are a part of the living room
and the kitchen. Love, dear fathers, love! A fatherís love is
sweet. Because to a child it is another "sweet flavor" of human
expression that makes life sweeter and more enjoyable. Happy fatherís day.
Barrington H. Brennen, MA,
NCP, BCCP, a marriage and family therapist and board
certified clinical psychotherapist, USA. Send your questions
or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org or write to P.O.
Box CB-11045, Nassau, The Bahamas, or visit www.soencouragement.org
or call 242-327-1980