The Marriage Vows
By
Barrington H. Brennen, March 11, 2015
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Barrington H. Brennen |
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Last week I shared some important facts about the marriage
ceremony. I shared about who can attend, the time of the
ceremony, witnesses, unnecessary traditions, and what
marriage officers and couples are legally required to say in
the marriage ceremony.
In this article I will share about the procedures for
getting married and the marriage vows. The legal
procedures begin with the couple making an application to
marry at office of the Registrar General. The “Application
for a Marriage License” can be picked up at the office
mentioned or online at www.bahamas.com. To make application
both parties are to appear to the Registrar with passports
in hand. There is a fee of $100 for obtaining the license
and $20 for each official marriage certificate. At the
marriage ceremony two witness, 18 years or older, must sign
the marriage license. Note that these two witnesses can be
two males or two females. There is no legal requirement
that witnesses must be a male and female. The witness need
not be a close friend or relative.
THE VOWS
Wedding vows are promises each partner makes to the other
during a wedding ceremony.
Many believe that
if the traditional marriage vows are not used in the wedding
they are not properly or legally married. According to the
“Gathering Guide” online “The
traditional wedding vows we know today have roots in the
Anglican Church, under the rule of King Henry VIII. It was
then that he approved the following vows, found in what is
known as the Common
Book of Prayer, published in 1549. They probably
sound quite familiar:
“I take thee to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to
hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer
for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, honor and to
worship/cherish, till death us do part, according to God's
holy ordinance.” Note that this vow is not required by law
in The Bahamas certainly not in any country. It is only a
tradition.
Today’s couples shy away from having the bride use the word
“obey” in the wedding vows. This was placed in the vow, not
because of a Biblical mandate, but because a concept of the
role of the woman as the property of the man. She must obey
the husband and he does not have to obey her. How pathetic!
In the last article I shared that the only “vows” required
by law in a wedding in The Bahamas are:
“I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful
impediment why I, __________ may not be joined in matrimony
to _____________” This statement is for a bride and
groom to repeat. The second statement is: “I call upon
these persons here present to witness that I, ___________ do
take (or have now taken) _____________ to be my lawful
wife/husband.”
Before or after these statements are repeated, the couple by
themselves or with the assistance of the marriage officer,
make any promise they wish to each other.
COMPOSE YOUR OWN
VOWS
Many couples today opt to make their own marriage vows.
There is no law or Biblical tradition preventing this. This
often adds beauty and creativity to the ceremony. The vows
can be spoken on put to music. At our daughter’s wedding,
she sang a beautiful “marriage vow” she composed for her
husband-to-be. My son-in-law, when stating his own vows,
just took her hands and spoke freely from his heart about
his love and eternal commitment to her. It was beautiful.
Of course, as marriage office, we did add the legal
statements and pronouncements. Over the years I have
created by own “vows” for couples. Here is one of them
“_________do you take __________ to be your wife/husband,
lover, sweetheart, friend, and eternal companion." Often I
will spontaneously add other lines to suit the personalities
of the bride and groom. This is perfectly legal and
Biblically sound as long as the marriage officer uses the
statements mentioned above.
The truth is we really do not know of example of an actual
marriage vow in scripture. Except for the profound words of
Adam to Eve when he said “you are bone of my bone and flesh
of my flesh.”
Saying in a marriage vow “till death do us part” is not a
requirement by law nor by scripture. It is a holy and
scriptural concept but there is no harm if a couple does not
literally use these words. Couples can use other creative
ways of stating the life-long commitment.
“MAN AND WIFE”
Several years ago I wrote an article entitles “”I Now Pronounce You
Man and Wife." I asked the question what is wrong with this
statement. “The pastor did not say "I now pronounce you husband and wife."
Is this just a slip of the tongue? Is it ignorance? Am I
just pulling teeth here? I can assure you that in most cases
it is an expression of our concept of who is really getting
married: the woman. She becomes the bride and the man
remains a man. He does not become a husband. "She is getting
married to him, he is not getting married to her," said an
old-fashioned Bahamian father.
Traditionally, the word "man" signifies control, in-charge,
strength, and leadership. Therefore, even during a wedding
ceremony, the pastor attempts not to take away his
leadership responsibilities. He must remain a man. On the
other hand, as a way of showing the bride's dependence on
her man, she is called the "wife." Thus, we have "man and
wife." Then to make matters worse the woman’s loving
character and personality is lost when the pastor flies in
the final scare tactic with the words "Ladies and gentlemen,
for the first time in the Bahamas I proudly present, Mr. &
Mrs. Robert Silver." Then we hear the applause. But where
did the wife go? I thought she had a name? All through the
ceremony the pastor was addressing the bride directly by
using her name. After the legal and religious ceremonies are
over, all of a sudden she does not exist. She loses all
identity. How pitiful!
We must
put an end to this. At the end of the next wedding ceremony
when a pastor does not call the first name of the bride,
let’s refuse to clap. Let’s be silent. Let’s begin an
Island-wide "identity-in-marriage protest." No man is called
to be the boss or ruler over his wife. He is called to be
her partner, lover, friend, and companion. Brides, insist
that you are equal in the marriage relationship and it
starts at the altar when the pastor says "Ladies and
gentlemen I proudly present, Mr.
Robert & Mrs. Susan Silver.
Barrington H. Brennen is
a marriage and family therapist and board certified clinical
psychotherapist, USA. Send your questions or comments to barringtonbrennen@gmail.com or
write to P.O. Box CB-13019, Nassau, The Bahamas, or visit www.soencouragement.org or
call 242-327-1980 or 242-477-4002
