- The Man I am
- Isnít My Husband
By Barrington H. Brennen (Republished
Oct 5, 2006)
This is Part Two
Dear Sir: This week I went to my doctor because I suspected that I was pregnant.
Sure enough, after some tests, the doctor told me I was three months pregnant.
The painful thing about this is that I am pregnant for my husbandís best
friend. Although my husband and I are living together, we have been having great
marital difficulty for the past year, and I found myself looking to another man
for understanding and love. I do love my husband, but I do not know how to face
him now. I am ashamed! Please help me. Signed: Afraid.
Barrington H. Brennen
Last week, I shared four foolish steps women who are having marital difficulty
take that may lead to pregnancy for someone other than their husbands. These
foolish steps are: 1) Going to a male friend for help instead of a professional
counselor or trusted female friend. 2) Going to the home of the male friend late
at night and alone. 3) The innocent touching and kissing. 4) Trusting a close
male friend behind closed doors and dim lights. It is important to remember that
when we are hurting, we are very vulnerable. Often we are blinded by our own
vulnerability, and while searching for understanding and a listen ear, we come
across passionate embraces and sexual gratification that often leave the victim
more devastated and hurt.
TELL YOUR HUSBAND
A common question asked in such time of
confusion is: "Should I tell my husband?" Of course you must. I know
it is painful; however, you have lied to him, covered up and deceived yourself
in believing that this would never happen, but it did. Your husband may not
accept you again; however, you must begin by being honest and responsible. If
you value yourself and want to bring healing to your romantic-starved marriage,
then you must be honest and do not cover up . Once trust has been broken because
of infidelity, it is very hard to regain it. Building trust takes time and
patience, both of which you need a lot of right now.
If you are sincere about bringing healing
to your relationship, you should ask your husband for forgiveness. Apologizing
and asking for forgiveness is a big part of taking responsibility for having
hurt your partner. It is going to take a special kind of a husband to accept
your apology and sincerity. He will need to ask God for wisdom, grace, and
patience, to accept you.
STEPS TO RESTORATION
This action is so devastating to the
marriage relationships that it might be best that you and your husband seek help
from a professionally-trained counselor who understands the dynamics involved.
However, if that is not possible, it is imperative that you both deal with the
situation openly, honestly, and with respect. Set aside specific times for
dealing with the issue. Set a time when there are no distractions from family
members or friends. Talk about the pain and concerns related to this issue. You
should be open and motivated to hear and show respect for your partnerís
viewpoint. Therefore, both partners must listen to each other, validating each
What if your partner does not agree to
forgive and take you back in his arms?
This response would not be unnatural. When a child places his hand in a fire and
get burned, he will never go near fire again. You have burnt the love in your
relationship, and removing the charcoals of anger, distrust, and frustration
will be very difficult for some, and virtually impossible for others. You need
to show to your husband you have changed and you are truly repentant.
Should you abort the baby?
This is often another option individuals take when caught in seemingly
impossible situations. However, it is only a cover-up, a cop-out way in dealing
with this difficult situation. Do not make the innocent baby suffer because of
your foolishness. This is your problem not the baby in your womb. This new
embryo is a part of you which I am sure you will be specially drawn to and want
to love and cherish even before it is born.
Should you tell family members?
If there are family members who are quite aware of the state of the relationship
and how you and your husband have been relating to each other, and that you had
a affair, then letting them know will be important. However, it is best you keep
your family and friends out of the picture who are not aware of the marital
crisis and your infidelity.
A STORY FOR HEALING
In the Bible there is a story of a very
outstanding man who was in a similar situation and who tried to cover it up. It
is the story of David and Uriah the Hittite. The war was coming to an end
between Israel and the children of Ammon. But David decided to stay a little
longer in Jerusalem. One day about the set of sun, David got out of his resting
bed and went out on his second floor veranda. From there he saw a beautiful
woman taking a bath in her courtyard. As he looked down from his vantage point,
he could not help but notice that "she was very beautiful to look
upon." This woman was the wife of one of Davidís leaders named Uriah.
Since David had not met her as yet, he did not know her. But he did know that
Uriah was his neighbor. David sent a servant to find out who she was, and sure
enough the word came back that she was Bethsheba, the wife of Uriah. Since Uriah
was not at home - in that he was on the battle field with soldiers - David
thought he would make a move. As a result, David and Bethsheba had a sexual
encounter and she got pregnant. Weeks later when David found out that she was
pregnant he got frightened. He planned a plot to have Uriah killed to cover up
his sin. David was a very cunning man. It was not hard for him to find a way to
get Uriah at home to set up the strategy.
David planned a big feast to thank Uriah
for his great work in battle against the Ammonites. However, David did not count
on the faithfulness and commitment of Uriah to his work. Uriah did not want to
leave his men on the battle field alone, so he stayed with them and did not come
the feast David had in his honor. Since that did not work, David arranged for
Uriah to be placed in the front of the battle where only the toughest of men are
sent, and where he would easily be killed. This planned worked and just at the
time when Bethsheba was beginning to show that her pregnancy. After a
traditional period of mourning, David got married to Bethsheba. He though that
people would think that the baby would have been legitimately his. Although no
one else knew of this crime, God saw everything. God told Nathan the prophet
what David had done, and Nathan in turn went to David to talk to him about it.
David began to suffer because of it. In 2 Samuel 2:10-11 we have these words by
the prophet: "Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine
house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the
Hittite to be thy wife. Thus said the Lord, Behold, I will raid up evil against
thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and
give them unto thy neighbors, and he shall lie with they wives in the sight of
the sun. For thou didst it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel,
and before the sun." Immediately when David heard this he came to
himself. He realized the big problem he was in and how he disgraced God. So he
repented. He said "I have sinned against the Lord." As a result of his
repentant spirit David was spared punishment and death. Not long after Davidís
repentance the baby died. If David could get forgiveness from God, you too can
be forgiven Dear Afraid, who are pregnant someone other than for your husband.
Dear Afraid, you will have to live one day
at time and place your burdens on the great healer, Jesus. If you need more help
contact a counselor or write me again. Go in peace.