Do you want a sweet, peaceful marriage? Is your
marriage sweet and peaceful? What comes to your mind
when I use the words “peace” and “marriage” in one
sentence? Is your response “yes, this is natural.” Or
is your response “not in my lifetime.” The truth is
the best marriages are not always sweet and peaceful.
The best marriages might have a few emotional skirmishes
and small battles, but not all out war. The goal of
this article is to keep couples from having war or to
help stop the war in a couple’s marriage.
The truth is many Christians have unrealistic
expectations about marriage, what I call “myths.” One
of them is “Christian couples don't fight.” One
husband said “I thought "peace" meant no “fighting” and
so I denied my negative feelings. I'd let things build
until I exploded over something trivial. Here's the
truth: its okay to fight. In the Bible it says, "In your
anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you
are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold"
(Ephesians 4:26–27).
Psychologist Marty Friedman in his book “The Peaceful
Marriage Fantasy” writes:
“Unfortunately, the more you believe in this fantasy of
the "perfectly peaceful marriage" the more pain you will
experience, because the fantasy runs counter to the
cold, hard reality. Upon reflection, we often find a
pattern: When their wives brought issues to them, the
men blamed and resented them for disturbing their
fantasy of the peaceful marriage.
The men often say,
"Why can't she just leave it alone? Why is she always
complaining and looking for trouble?" What these men
don't realize is if they listened to the criticisms they
would have a lot more peace!”
Dr. Friedman goes on to explain that “another
consequence of the peaceful marriage fantasy is the wish
not to rock the boat. Men or women may avoid conflict
altogether, explaining differences away or leaving the
room when arguments or criticisms break out. Belief in
the peaceful marriage fantasy causes good people to
believe that keeping the peace is more important than
having an open and honest exchange with the people they
love.” A secret to having peace in your marriage is
learning to handle the battles and not to avoid them.
Here is another myth Christian has about marriage. “Our
marriage will be divorce-proof if we're both
Christians.” The truth is: Being a Christian doesn't
guarantee you won't get divorced. Christian therapist
Roy Austin calls this "magical thinking" and believes
many Christian couples struggle with it. He says,
"'Magical thinking' leaves couples less prepared for the
rigors of marriage." This may explain why Christian
pollster George Barna has found that the divorce rate
among born-again Christians is now the same as for
non-Christians
Being a Christian and truly living as one can seriously
reduce the risk of getting a divorce but it will not
remove the possibility. There are important habits and
practices that will divorce-proof your marriage. When
these habits and practices are absent divorce is
possible, even for the Christian.
IMPORTANT INGREDIENTS
Perhaps a main ingredient in “divorce-proofing” your
marriage is humility. Humility is the willingness to
say “I am sorry,” to admit that you are wrong, to listen
with an open mind, to be flexible and change, to be able
to lead together. This is a powerful ingredient that
can truly work miracles in marriage. It is my view that
the lack of humility is the primary reason for most
divorces. I have observed that it is not any particular
wrong action that is the final cause of divorce. It is
pride and selfishness. When there is an unwillingness
to look deep inside one’s own heart and examine one’s
own faults, divorce is inevitable.
Another important
ingredient to “divorce-proof” you marriage is “avoiding
a judgmental attitude.” Dr. Brent J. Atkinson in
his article “Habits of People Who Know How to Get Their
Partners to Treat Them Well: Dealing with Difference” he
states “A hallmark of people who are
good at getting their partners to treat them well is
that they know that when they get upset with their
partners, it doesn’t necessarily mean that their
partners have done anything wrong. It’s normal to be
upset when you’re at cross-purposes. Nobody has to be
right or wrong. . . Researchers have discovered that the
majority of the time when people believe their partners
have done something wrong, they really haven’t. They
just have
legitimately
different wants, needs, priorities or expectations at
the moment. Neither partners’ priorities nor actions are
wrong.” Dr. Atkinson elaborate more by stating
“Studies suggest that concluding that one’s partner is
wrong when he’s really not is a mistake you do not want
to make. It’s one of the most damaging things that
people do in relationships. If you make this mistake, it
will lower the odds that your partner will be able to
see your needs or expectations as legitimate, will care
about how you feel, and will be willing to make changes.
Another important ingredient or habit to “divorce-proof”
you marriage is “finding the
understandable part.” Dr
Atkinson states that “When disagreements arise, most of
us tend to think of our own position as reasonable and
the other person’s as unreasonable. However, at some
point in the argument, those who know how to get their
partners to treat them well manage to find something
understandable about what their partners are saying or
wanting, even if they can’t agree overall. They seem to
understand an important principle: If you want to
receive understanding, first give understanding. If
you fail to acknowledge anything about your partner’s
viewpoint as reasonable, it will be very difficult for
him to truly care about your viewpoint, regardless of
how legitimate it is. If you want to make it as
difficult as possible for your partner to see and
acknowledge the legitimate reasons why you feel the way
you do, just counter or criticize each and every point
he makes during a discussion.”
Dear reader, the only way you can
have peace in your marriage is to develop habits that
will strengthen the bonds and by admitting that pain
will come in the marriage. It is not the absence of
pain that will bring the peace. It is how we handle the
pain. Go and have peace in your marriage
Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage and family
therapist. Send your questions or comments
to
question@soencouragement.org
or write to P.O. Box CB-11045, Nassau, The Bahamas, or
call 1-242-327-1980.
