Far too often I meet couples who are getting married
without having sufficient time to know each other or
to develop a meaningful relationship before
marriage. They feel they love each other and that’s
all they need. Love, love, love. Is love enough?
The reality is they are sexually involved and sex is
always sweet even if the hearts are not sweet.
It’s difficult to distinguish the difference if you
are moving too fast and sexually involved. Rushing
into marriage is a recipe for disaster.
There are some people who get married quickly because they
do not want to have sex before marriage but they are so
sexually hot, so they rush in to marriage just to have
“legal” sex. The problem is sex does not prove you love
each other or that love will last. It only proves one
thing—your sex organs are working. However, it does not
prove they will continue to work after marriage. That’s
serious.
Both of these extremes are dangerous: rushing because you
are involved or rushing to avoid prematurely being involved,
are dangerous. This is why you must make friends with
time. Time is a most important ingredient in a healthy,
budding relationship. One of my favorite authors says this
in making a balance between the two: “make haste slowly.”
HOW MUCH TIME?
How
much time a couple really needs before getting married? Ten
years ago I shared that “From the time a couple can say they
are seriously in love to the time of marriage, it should be
at least one year. It is even better when courtship
lasts for about two to three years, which includes an
engagement period of about six months to a year. Why do I
say at least a year?
Both individuals in a romantic relationship need to know
about each other's personal values, family traditions and
rituals along with cultural differences. I have observed
that the best way for this to happen is to allow at least
one year for the relationship. This would permit individuals
to know each other's expectations and practices during
birthdays, thanksgiving, Christmas, summer and winter
vacations, etc. One can be as smart as Voltaire or talkative
as Jerry Lewis, but unless these events and rituals are
experienced together before marriage an unwise decision
might be made. You might discover irreconcilable differences
too late.
In addition, this time would test the effect of
disappointment, tension, arguments, opposition, sadness and
joy, forgiveness, unconditional love and the onset of
uncontrollable desires. Do not cut yourself short of the
joys of courtship. Enjoy the thrills of loving someone
before you say, "I do." In other words, one would want some
fundamental questions answered before that final decision is
made. Questions like: "What are some of the social
activities my friend likes to do to entertain
himself/herself?
Do they seriously conflict with my own views and practices
of social entertainment?" "What are my friends' family
expectation of me? Am I expected to attend every Christmas
dinner, every birthday party, every thanks giving dinner, no
matter what?" There are many more questions about finance,
family size, etc., I can present here but space would not
allow it. Some of these you can only talk about, but there
are others you must have the time to experience together.
LIVING TOGETHER TOO SOON
A very common thing couples do is living together long
before there is any understanding about each other or the
relationship. This is a big mistake. After meeting each
other on Tuesday, by Monday of the next week or at the end
of the month they are living together. They start living
like a married couple but they are not married. It is a
very confusing situation. Research tells us that
co-habiting before marriage is not really an advantage and
can often be unhealthy. More so, living together too soon
in the unmarried relationship distorts the possibility of
making an objective decision about the relationship.
Sometimes females view the relationship different than the
men and gets jealous when he talks to other women. Still
there are some women who would be having sex for the first
time thinking it will be a long or permanent relationship.
When things go terrible in the relationship she is depressed
and troubled because she does not want to have sex with
another person. Her dreams are shattered. On the other
hand, he does not understand what the problem is all about.
I wish more of our single young and older persons would take
the time in developing relationships. You have nothing to
lose. I like what writer Paul Hudson says in his article
“In Defense Of Taking It Slow: Why You Shouldn't Rush Into
Love.” “It's not a race. I know that this person is the
only thing that you want; he/she is all you think about and
yearn for. That's a good sign, but take it slow. If you
treat love like a race, you're treating it like something
that can be won — and owned.
"If you treat love like a race, then there must be a finish
line. And then what? You’re onto the next race? Love is
something that needs to be maintained and constantly
recreated. . . A race always has a winner and a loser. Love
is different. In love, you win and lose together. Love
shouldn’t be rushed because it’s not about an end goal. . .
Love is not a game. It's not a race. It's not a collectible.
Love is life. It's not meant to be kept in your pocket; it’s
meant to be lived. Don't rush; just do.”
GREAT REASONS TO SLOW DOWN
In conclusion, here are a few good reasons not to rush in to
a relationship by eHarmony’s writer, Fran Creffield:
-
It may be lust rather than love: “The two
can feel very similar in the early stages, resulting
in a single minded obsession with the object of your
desire. The main difference between them is that
lust is often fleeting and can move from one person
to another very quickly.”
-
Is it a reaction to the past?: “Some people
rush into a new relationship in an attempt to get
over an old one. It’s like they have a hole in their
life that they’re desperate to fill. Rebound
relationships rarely stand the test of time because
until your heart has healed from the past there
isn’t room for someone new to come in.”
-
You may be being swept along: “If a match
seems completely besotted with you from the outset
it’s very flattering. We all want to hear that we’re
wonderful and bring happiness and joy to another
person’s life. The romantic dream of love at first
sight is enticing, but in reality if you’ve only
been seeing someone for a few weeks the chances are
that they don’t know ‘you’ well enough to know that
they ‘love’ you. Often very early professions of
love reveal a desperate need to be loved in the
other person. Believing you could be ‘the one’ that
they have been waiting for all their life for may
seduce you into saying you feel the same even if you
don’t. Be true to yourself rather than mirroring the
other person’s feelings, that way you will stay
grounded and safe.”
-
You may burn bridges: “It’s common for a new
love interest to become all-consuming and many
people let other parts of their life slide as they
devote all their time and attention to their new
relationship. This is a really bad strategy. Dates
may come and go but your family and friends are the
ones who are there for the long haul and you need to
treat them well.”
-
You may end up giving too much too soon: “If
there’s always biscuits in the biscuit tin most
people will eventually go off biscuits. The same is
true with relationships that go straight into daily
contact and 24/7 availability. Hold something back
and leave your date wanting more of you rather than
less. Avoid spending whole weekends together,
jumping into bed too quickly or being constantly
online 24/7.”
Remember, take time to love. Time is your best friend.
Barrington H. Brennen is
a marriage and family therapist and board certified clinical
psychotherapist, USA. Send your questions or comments to
question@soencouragement.org or write to P.O. Box CB-11045,
Nassau, The Bahamas, or visit
www.soencouragement.org or
call 242-327-1980 or 242-477-4002.
