Question:
Dear Sir: Every time my partner and I have a fight, afterwards we kiss and make
up, apologize and forgive each other. However, the first thing he wants is sex.
He feels it is the only way to prove that we have forgiven each other. His idea
is that I should ignore the pain I am experiencing. Since I have forgiven him. I
must just accept him back into my arms. His faithfulness, and abuse have been
going on too long. Does forgiveness mean reconciliation in a destructive, abuse
relationship? What is forgiveness?
Answer:
Dear Friend, this question can be applied to a male or female in a relationship.
Therefore, I will discuss principles to help you understand the true meaning
forgiveness and how it applies to a relationship. Forgiveness is often
misunderstood by both Christians and non-Christians. One author says: "If
there’s one loving action that has to respond despite feelings, it’s not
forgiving. Because so often we don’t feel like forgiving." Let’s first
state what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not trying to ignore an
incident. That’s indifference. Saying, "Let’s just forget it,"
without offering a basis for forgetting is not to a way to deal with the
problem. It is ignoring the problem. Forgiveness is not indifference.
Forgiveness is also not agreeing with the wrong. Some people think saying,
" I forgive you" really means "I agree with you. What you have
done isn’t wrong". That’s not the case. When Christ forgives us, He
doesn’t pat us on the back and say our sin is ok. This is most important for
individuals who are in abuse relationships. Forgiving is releasing from our judgment
entirely the one who has hurt us. This also means that in the process we free
ourselves from the slavery of bitterness and resentment. This is the reason the
act of forgiving is more important for the one who is forgiving that for the one
who is being forgiven. Often in an abusive relationship or marital discord, the
one who is hurting builds hatred, bitterness and resentment. Sometimes this
leads to tremendous stress that brings on physical illnesses like high blood
pressure, heart problems, ulcers, etc. Ironically, the one who caused the
problem has "forgotten" it and is "doing fine," leaving the
victim in continual pain. True forgiveness will release the tension and promote
healing.
Richard Walters states in his book,
"Forgive and Be Free",
there are five false ways to forgive. He says false ways exact a terrible toil,
robbing us of the peace that should be ours. The first false way to forgive is
called forgiving with strings attached. It
is when a parent only would forgive the past bad behavior of his teenage son if
he shapes up his life. The second false type of forgiveness is called cheap
forgiving. It is when one forgives with no expectation for change.
Sometimes abusers expect their spouses to give such cheap forgiveness because
they do not want to change. The third type of false forgiveness is termed deliberately
phony. This is only a pretense of forgiving. The fourth form of false
forgiveness is called self-delusion. It is
forgiving so far, but no further. The fifth from of false forgiveness is called
unaware. It is no realizing the need
to forgive.
In order for healing to take place within the heart, one must
avoid these false forms of forgiveness. "Forgiving is an act of generosity
to the forgiver, not to the person forgiven. Persons who forgive benefit by
being able to get on with their lives instead of being stuck in resentment"
(Ronald T. Potter-Efron). Many individuals, when demanding forgiveness insist
that everything be forgotten. Forgetting is "not a case of holy amnesia
which erases the past. No, instead, it is the experience of healing which draws
the poison from the wound. You may recall the hurt, but you will not relieve it!
(David Augsburger). Forgetting means not keeping a record of wrongs or filing
evidence for future use (1 Cor. 13:5). Forgetting means refusing to dwell on the
even or to talk about it every chance we get (Phil. 4: 8-9).
Forgetting means looking ahead to fresh new future (Phil
3:13). It means allowing God to erase our painful memories. (Gen 41:51)
Forgiving does not always lead to reconciliation. There are
many hurting persons in our country who are afraid to forgive those who have
hurt them because they were taught that forgiveness means acceptance of wrong or
automatic reconciliation. They get sicker and sicker from the bitterness and
pain. True love frees us to heal. For those men who like to confirm forgiveness
with sex, remember that forgiveness is a gradual process, not a one time event.
Barrington Brennen is a marriage
and family therapist. Send your questions or comments to P.O.
Box CB-11045, Nassau, The Bahamas; or call 1-242-327-1980, or
email barringtonbrennen@gmail.com or visit
www.soencouragement.org
