The
Pain of Separation and Divorce
By
Barrington H. Brennen
October 23,
2012
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“It
was a sad day when my wife told me she was leaving,” said
Robert. “I really thought I would die. I am a Christian and I
wondered how God would let this happen to me. It was painful.
All kinds of questions went through mind. I did not have a hint
that she was having and affair. Over the fifteens years of our
marriage I did my best to love her, satisfy her needs and spend
time with her. Yet, she chose another man over me.”
This story is real and is similar to many others occurring far
too often in our country. Divorce is very painful. Even
separation, when individuals are not sure whether or not to
divorce, is painful. Although in The Bahamas the divorce rate
is increasing every year, this article is not about the reason
people divorce or how to prevent it. This article is for the
divorced persons themselves who are wounded and all alone. This
article is to provide guidance, hope and encouragement for those
who are separated or are going through divorce or have been
divorced for years and still cannot find peace.
When a person is divorced he or she feels as though they have
been pushed into an ocean where the waters are too deep to
swim. They struggle to survive but are often abandoned or
treated coldly by friends and sometimes relatives. Some
divorcees will tell you that the church did not help either.
Those Christians they thought would surround them with
unconditional love and compassion were judgemental, critical,
and distant. Isn’t that a paradox? Christians say that the
church is a hospital for sick people but they often shoot the
“sick” in their feet. Let’s treat our divorced church members,
friends and associates better. I hope that this article will
also help everyone to understand better the pain of divorce and
separation and how to treat these individuals.
DIVORCE RECOVERY
In
spite of all of the disappointments and pain, a divorced person
can have a healthy recovery. Dr. Tom Whiteman, clinical
psychologist, shares key elements that are required for a
healthy divorce recovery. Here they are:
EMOTIONAL NEEDS:
“During and after divorce most people feel as if they are on a n
emotional roller coaster, vacillating between desperation to get
the spouse back not matter what and feelings of anger and
revulsion toward the spouse. People who go through divorce are
very vulnerable,” says Whiteman. In my own counselling
practice I can see the pain, frustration and vulnerability my
clients experience when deciding what to do when a partner
leaves. “This vulnerability,” say Dr. Whiteman, “can make the
divorced person prone to other hurts.” For example, it is
common for divorced persons to feel rejected by family and
friends. Others are drawn to anyone who gives them attention
and “stroke the damage areas of their lives,” says Dr.
Whiteman. It is also important to note the people who have been
recently divorced need to be careful about forming new
relationships or making any major changes. They need a close
relationship with friends or a counsellor who will help guard
and protect them from making poor choices.
TIME: When a person gets divorces he or she actually goes
through a grieving process and grieving takes time. Before
getting emotionally entangled a divorced persons needs two to
five years for healing. “People typically go through stages of
denial, anger, bargaining and depression. The final stage of
acceptance, is when they learn to be satisfied with the changes
that God has allowed them to experience, and to move forward in
a productive new lifestyle.”
SOCIAL NEEDS:
When someone get divorce that often brings to an end many other
social relationships. This makes the divorced person very
vulnerable to a “rebound relationship” says Dr. Whiteman.
Thus, they many need friends to help them through the trauma of
divorce. Divorced persons should wait at least two years
before entering a new romantic relationship. The emptiness in
one’s soul after a divorce requires God’s healing and
completeness apart from a romantic relationship. There it may
not be wise for divorced woman to share her deep pain with a
man, especially all alone in his house.
SPIRITUAL NEEDS:
Most Christians who go through a divorce feel guilt and shame.
These feelings says Whiteman “may be compounded by the reaction
of others, and who in an effort to discourage divorce are afraid
to minister to those who experience this brokenness for fear f
appearing to condone divorce. Divorced people need to know
that God loves then and forgives them and wants them in his
fellowship.
THE
NEED TO FORGIVE:
If there is one great need to important to the divorce is the
need to forgive. It is not only forgiving those who caused them
pain but forgiving others who might have hurt them also. Dr.
Whiteman states that “most divorce persons blame themselves, so
healing includes confessing those mistakes and then
accepting the forgiveness that God offers (1 John 1:9). The
divorced person must be reminded that forgiving is more
important for him or herself than for the one who actually cause
the pain. While the one who has caused pain may or may not be
aware of the frustration caused, the victim goes in engrossed in
an unforgiving spirit cause feelings of sadness and increasing
the chances of getting physically ill. Why? The unforgiving
spirit can suppress the immune system of the body making one
susceptible for illnesses.
GIVING BACK:
This is Dr. Whiteman’s final step to recovery. Following the
teachings of Christ the divorced person is to focus on giving
back to others (2 Corinthians 1:3-7). “Giving to others too
early in the process will only lead to new pain. In the proper
time, however, comforting with the comfort that has been
received can give divorced people purpose, meaning and
fulfilment” say Dr. Whiteman.
Send your questions and comments to marriage and family
therapist, Barrington H. Brennen P.O. Box CB-13019 or email at
question@soencouragement.org or visit the website
www.soencouragement.org
